Part 9<\/b><\/p>\n
Comfort sex is like bad tequila. Looks great in the bottle, but once you open it, the rottenness pervades everything. It tastes awful and ruins your attempt to drown yourself in your sorrows.<\/i><\/p>\n
Not all kinds of comfort are dangerous, of course. Most comfort is a good thing. There\u2019s a comforting hug, always a good idea. I mean, who wouldn\u2019t want the arms of a friend around you in a time of crisis? Then there\u2019s the comfort chat, where your best friend verbally castrates your enemy, vowing to see that justice is served. So maybe your friend will never actually will<\/i> send humiliating nude pictures of your boyfriend to his mother, but you feel vindicated all the same. Finally, there\u2019s familial comfort, when the quirkiness of your family makes you glad that you\u2019re not the only crazy one in the world. You were born that way; you can\u2019t help it.<\/p>\n
But the danger lies in comfort sex. It seems so, so right in the beginning. You\u2019re sad. He\u2019s sad. The people you both love are idiots and wouldn\u2019t know love if it bit them in their asses. Your sexual frustration level is off the charts, and he\u2019s the epitome of dead sexy. Your body thrums when he\u2019s near, just reacting to the pure maleness, the electric nature of his being. What you long for is to lose yourself in the passion, forget what can\u2019t ever be, and get some satisfaction wherever you can. With someone who feels your pain because it is his own.<\/p>\n
But then, just as you embark on your quest for the ultimate comfort orgasm, you realize just how cheap and wrong this is. Not only are you detached emotionally from him, but your mind has begun to make him into the person you\u2019re trying to escape. Unwillingly, your brain begins to fill in the gaps, to imagine that his chest is bigger, that his biceps are larger, that his hair is darker. You begin to imagine that he doesn\u2019t smell like cigarettes and leather, but like silk and hair gel. And you know, underneath it all, that he\u2019s doing the same thing to you, turning you into someone you\u2019re not.<\/p>\n
In your search for comfort, you\u2019ve only compounded the problem. You\u2019ve begun to live the fantasy you wouldn\u2019t let yourself approach in the middle of the night. The thoughts pull you deeper into the vortex of misery, and if you don\u2019t stop this foolish endeavor while you can, you\u2019ll let the comfort turn into the most gut-wrenching pain of all.<\/p>\n
***<\/p>\n
Cordelia stared at Spike, her eyes wide, lips slightly parted, as she began to realize the ramifications of what they had started.<\/p>\n
\u201cSpike, what the hell are we doing?\u201d<\/p>\n
For a moment, he just stared back at her, trying to calm his screaming libido.<\/p>\n
\u201cI don\u2019t know, Cordelia, but I think we should stop before it gets out of hand.\u201d<\/p>\n
They had backed away from each other, like prizefighters seeking the safety of their corners between rounds, and just as wary. Cordelia settled into the far corner of one of the couches and Spike backed against the reception counter, crossing his arms over his bare and bandaged chest as if to put another barrier up between them.<\/p>\n
Cordelia\u2019s breath came out in ragged pants as she stared back into Spike\u2019s dark blue eyes. Still tingling from the passion of his mouth on hers, Cordelia felt thousands of little jolts race through her. But even though he\u2019d made her body come alive, her mind screamed at her that she was betraying her true love. Never mind the fact that her so-called true love had just walked out the door. Probably forever.<\/p>\n
Spike was just as flustered as Cordelia was. As good as she had tasted, as lush as her curves had been, he\u2019d found himself wishing for someone else. For a shorter frame, a less-curvy body, longer hair, more aggressive mouth. He\u2019d missed Buffy, and it made him angry. He didn\u2019t want to miss her. She didn\u2019t want him. But he couldn\u2019t help the longing that flooded him anyway.<\/p>\n
It wasn\u2019t that they didn\u2019t want each other, because on some level, they did. They truly cared about each other as friends, they definitely found each other attractive, and they were both desperately in need for some physical comfort and reassurance. But neither of them could truthfully say that some horizontal wacky could bring them anything more than pain. in the long run, anyway.<\/p>\n
\u201cSo, are we just going to forget the ill-advised tonsil hockey?\u201d Cordelia asked with a soft smile.<\/p>\n
Spike smirked at her, finally able to collect himself enough to tease. \u201cI don\u2019t think I can forget kissing you, pet, but I know what you mean.\u201d<\/p>\n
They stared at each other in now-comfortable silence, each thinking about what might have happened if they hadn\u2019t stopped.<\/p>\n
\u201cWell, Blondie, I gotta say. You\u2019re one helluva kisser,\u201d Cordelia complimented.<\/p>\n
\u201cThanks, Cheerleader. You\u2019re not to bad yourself. Had some practice, have you?\u201d<\/p>\n
She laughed at that, thinking back on her lip lock partners. \u201cMost of my formative kissing phase was logged in various Sunnydale high broom closets with Xander. Can\u2019t say it was necessarily quality time, but quantity does count, doesn\u2019t it?\u201d<\/p>\n
Spike made a face like he\u2019d swallowed some really bad blood. \u201cThat\u2019s disgusting, Cordelia. I can\u2019t believe you gave that ponce a second glance, let alone spent time snogging him. He didn\u2019t deserve you, then or now.\u201d<\/p>\n
She just shrugged. \u201cMaybe not. Xander isn\u2019t exactly my favorite person, but the guy does know how to kiss. But I never let HIM know that, of course.\u201d<\/p>\n
He just chuckled. \u201cDevious.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cHad to keep him under my thumb somehow.\u201d She sighed, a frown returning as she remembered her present circumstances. \u201cIf only other people were as easy to manipulate.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYou wouldn\u2019t love him so much if you could screw with him like that,\u201d Spike said.<\/p>\n
She frowned at him. \u201cYeah, I guess.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cSo what do you say we go out and get that dinner after all?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cDinner?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWe were going to go out tonight, remember? Why should we let Peaches piss on our picnic?\u201d<\/p>\n
Cordelia stood up and walked over to him, taking his hand and pulling him upstairs. \u201cYou\u2019re right. I\u2019m through with him. Let\u2019s get you changed and we can go out and paint the town red.\u201d<\/p>\n
He let her lead him, enjoying the feeling of her warm hand in his. \u201cYou do know where that expression comes from, don\u2019t you, luv?\u201d he said with a smile.<\/p>\n
She paused for a minute in her trek upstairs, turning back to look at him with a puzzled look. Then his insinuation dawned, and her face scrunched up in disgust.<\/p>\n
\u201cEwww! Please. Don\u2019t tell me everything comes back to some gory vampire lore.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cOf course it does. Everything comes back to us.<\/i>\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cPfft. Is it always a part of the turning to come back with an ego the size of Texas?\u201d<\/p>\n
***<\/p>\n
One Week Later<\/i><\/p>\n
The silky, hunter green satin felt heavenly under Buffy\u2019s fingers as she perused the merchandise at Victoria\u2019s Secret. She\u2019d gone out for a day of pampering, a day to herself, something she hadn\u2019t done in years. She\u2019d had time, especially since coming to L.A., but she just hadn\u2019t felt up to it. The last few weeks of lazy relaxation, interspersed with therapeutic, run-of-the-mill patrolling, had rejuvenated her like nothing else had. But the girl in her needed something more. Shopping was the cure-all she needed.<\/p>\n
Today, she\u2019d already had a pedicure, a facial, a foot massage, and her colors done. She\u2019d also had her make-up and hair done at the ritziest salon she could find, all paid for under the \u201cConsultant\u201d tab at her boyfriend\u2019s new company. There were some definite benefits to being the girlfriend of the CEO at a major law firm.<\/p>\n
She\u2019d walked by the lingerie shop slowly, peering in the windows and trying to decide if she wanted to go in. Eventually, her longing for pretty clothes had won over, and she found herself stroking satin and lace like she hadn\u2019t seen it in ages. It had been awhile since she\u2019d bought lingerie with an intention of someone other than herself enjoying it. Not that she felt any serious heat at the idea of wearing a teddy for Angel. It still bothered her that she felt nothing more than warm loyalty and friendship for him. But try as she might, her lust for him was going nowhere fast. That standstill in their love life had prompted her to seek some help outside of herself. Sexy lingerie just might do the trick.<\/p>\n
Sighing, she let the nightgown slip out of her fingers and turned away, glancing at the hundreds of other items in the room. They were a swath of color, every conceivable shade and texture, all constructed for the pleasures of the flesh. After a moment\u2019s glance around the store, one item in particular caught her eye. She wandered over to a display dripping with attire in blood red. One baby doll nightie stood out, the satin and lace confection drawing her to its beauty. She touched it reverently, the color and style bringing a longing to her heart that seemed almost painful. This vivid color, the sexiness of the nightwear, brought back so many memories, all of them of Spike.<\/p>\n
Everything seemed to come back to him lately.<\/p>\n
It had been nearly three weeks since she saw him in that alley, and her heart was still bruised. Okay, so maybe Spike didn\u2019t want her. Maybe he didn\u2019t love her. Maybe she didn\u2019t love him anymore. But she still lusted after him. She still burned for his touch, still longed to feel his lips beneath hers, longed to feel him inside of her. It wasn\u2019t so much that she wanted him back, because she didn\u2019t. Really. But this lust she had for him was getting in the way of her future with Angel. And that was just unacceptable.<\/p>\n
She\u2019d wanted Angel for so long she almost couldn\u2019t remember not wanting him. First, it had been the mystique, the somber, dark beauty that held in her in thrall. He was supposed to be her enemy, but he wasn\u2019t. He was supposed to be evil, but he wasn\u2019t. And that dichotomy, the man inside the demon, had drawn her in like nothing ever had. She\u2019d fallen for him so hard that it had taken her years to recover. It was true that she\u2019d thought herself in love with Riley, but as much as his leaving had hurt her, it had been nothing like when Angel left. With Riley, her pride had been scraped. With Angel, her heart had been torn from her chest, pulverized, and stuffed back in. She\u2019d never been quite the same since.<\/p>\n
Now, with the opportunity to rekindle their old relationship, she\u2019d jumped at the chance. She\u2019d sounded less than reluctant when Angel had first called her, but she\u2019d already been in a lonely funk then, anyway. But the moment he\u2019d hung up, she realized that she had a genuine chance at the life she\u2019d always dreamed about. Angel\u2019s arms around her for the rest of her life. His stoic presence at her side. It was more than she\u2019d ever hoped for, and now it was within her grasp.<\/p>\n
But then Spike had come back into her life and he was making a mess of everything. His mere presence had set her body on fire, bringing heat to the surface that had lain dormant since their affair after her resurrection. Heat that should have been flooding through her at Angel\u2019s touch. Not to mention that his presence reminded her of her mistake, of the fact that she realized she loved him only too late. Of course, she\u2019d put that love to rest now. It didn\u2019t have anything to do with this lust for him. Nothing at all.<\/p>\n
She\u2019d been thinking about seeing Spike for awhile now in an attempt to put her wayward urges to rest. The only thing that had kept her from running to the Hyperion was the fact that Cordelia was there. The last thing Buffy wanted was a confrontation with her high school rival, especially when Cordelia was sleeping with Spike. The thought of them together was enough to make Buffy want to rip the brunette\u2019s head off, and she\u2019d been afraid that she wouldn\u2019t be able to control her anger. But she knew, without a doubt, that if she didn\u2019t see Spike, if she didn\u2019t see them together and know that her own future with Spike was impossible, she wouldn\u2019t be able to put these lustful feelings behind her.<\/p>\n
Suddenly, it was as if it all seemed clearer. With renewed determination, Buffy turned her back on the pretty lingerie and exited the store, then the mall. Twenty minutes later, she was standing in front of the doors to the old hotel, nervousness eating away at her. But it had to be done. She had to see him. One last time, and then it would be over. It had to be.<\/p>\n
***<\/p>\n
Cordelia observed the drying paint with a practiced eye. It looked like even coverage to her, the rich red paint vivid on the wood detailing. It had given just the effect she wanted; stylish, art deco, bringing back some of the hotel\u2019s original charm. It had highlighted the architecture in the lobby in just the right way, making the space come alive and warming it up drastically. She was perched on the top of a wobbly old ladder, unwisely balanced at the foot of the stairs. Her descent proved to be more difficult than she thought, and before she knew it, her foot was sliding and she was dropping the last five rungs. Just before her head hit the floor, strong arms wrapped around her, stopping her.<\/p>\n
\u201cBetter be careful, there, Cheerleader. Wouldn\u2019t want to lose my only friend.\u201d<\/p>\n
Letting out the breath she\u2019d been holding in her terror, Cordy smiled gratefully up at Spike. \u201cI knew you were around here for a reason,\u201d she joked. She placed her hands on his biceps as she straightened herself to her feet, gazing up at him in friendly acceptance. Their bodies brushed each other, but unlike last week, the sparks had dissipated, and what remained was pure, loving friendship.<\/p>\n
That was how Buffy found them. Spike with his arms wrapped around Cordelia, Cordy with her hands stroking his arms and staring up at him, one of her signature smiles on her face. They looked like a freakin\u2019 hallmark commercial, and it made Buffy want to puke. Either that or turn and run screaming out the door.<\/p>\n
But she was the Slayer. And she would be damned before she would give either of them the satisfaction of seeing her pain.<\/p>\n
Stepping into the lobby, she startled the couple with her greeting. \u201cHey, you two. What\u2019s up?\u201d She sounded cheerful, but was anything but. And Spike and Cordelia knew it, too.<\/p>\n
Cordelia gently extracted herself from Spike\u2019s grip, which had turned harsh as he became aware of Buffy\u2019s presence. She also noticed how his jaw had tensed, how his bearing had slouched into his \u201cI\u2019m a badass vampire and nobody better mess with me!\u201d stance. The one that needed a cigarette to fully pull off, and true to form, he was reaching in his coat pocket for his pack and lighter.<\/p>\n
Spike wouldn\u2019t let her get very far. Just as she started to step away, he threw his free arm out and draped it over her shoulder, pulling her back against his chest. She sighed, knowing he needed the reassurance of her touch to face Buffy.<\/p>\n
Smiling at their guest, Cordelia resigned herself to her fate as Spike\u2019s security blanket.<\/p>\n
\u201cHey, Buffy. How\u2019s it going?\u201d<\/p>\n
Buffy stared her down, shooting fire from her eyes as she took in their cozy entanglement. \u201cI\u2019m fine, thanks. I need to talk to Spike, though. D\u2019ya mind?\u201d<\/p>\n
She raised an eyebrow at Cordelia, punctuating her annoyance at the brunette\u2019s presence.<\/p>\n
Spike just tightened his grip. \u201cAnything you have to say can be said in front of Cordelia. We<\/i> don\u2019t have any secrets from each other.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cSpike,\u201d Cordelia said, turning in his arms and looking up at him. \u201cI have stuff to do and Buffy wants to talk to you alone. I\u2019m okay with it.\u201d Silently, she mouthed, \u201cDon\u2019t mess this up, dumbass!\u201d<\/p>\n
He frowned at her, but let go.<\/p>\n
\u201cFine. But don\u2019t go far, luv.\u201d<\/p>\n
Cordelia just smiled and shook her head at him. \u201cBye, Buffy.\u201d She waved and left for Wes\u2019s office. Once inside, she left the door open a crack and stood to listen. There was bound to be a lot of heated conversation coming up, and she didn\u2019t want to miss it.<\/p>\n
She wasn\u2019t disappointed.<\/p>\n
\u201cSpike, I just wanted to see how you were doing,\u201d Buffy said, her hands clasped in front of her as she looked nervously up at him. Usually, she was so calm and collected around him, her hardened walls up. Today, though, she felt soft. Girly. Unable to bury her emotional trauma. She must be PMS\u2019ing. That had to be it. Nothing else would make her insides turn to Jell-o around Spike except for crazy hormones. Because after all, she didn\u2019t love him anymore.<\/p>\n
\u201cSure you did,\u201d Spike said, totally unaware of the battle going on within the Slayer. His own pain was blinding him, and all he could see that she had come back to throw her relationship with Angel in his face. \u201cSince when do you care what I do, Slayer?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI\u2019ve cared about you for a long time, Spike,\u201d she said, her eyes searching his. \u201cYou know that.\u201d<\/p>\n
He snorted, his lip curling up into a sneer. \u201cI don\u2019t need your pity, luv. Go live your fantasy life with Peaches and leave me the hell alone. I\u2019m doing fine without your exalted presence mucking everything up.\u201d<\/p>\n
Hurt slammed through her at his words. There was a time when he would\u2019ve said that he couldn\u2019t live without her.<\/p>\n
\u201cSpike, I just can\u2019t stand back and let you make a mistake like this. I mean, c\u2019mon. Cordelia? She\u2019s not exactly the brightest lightbulb in the box. You could do so much better.\u201d<\/p>\n
The vampire\u2019s gaze turned dark, true anger for the slander of his friend coming to the fore. He may not be in love with the chit, but he did know she was one smart cookie.<\/p>\n
\u201cCordelia\u2019s got \u2018nuf brains for three people. Not to mention beauty in spades. What\u2019sa matter, Slayer. Jealous?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cHa! Please!\u201d Buffy looked insulted. \u201cCordelia doesn\u2019t have a damn thing that I want.\u201d<\/p>\n
Oops. She realized that mistake the moment it left her mouth.<\/p>\n
Spike\u2019s jaw tightened at her inadvertent blow to his ego.<\/p>\n
\u201cI didn\u2019t mean it that way, Spike,\u201d Buffy said, stepping closer and reaching her hand out to touch his arm. He shrugged away from her touch as if she were diseased.<\/p>\n
\u201cNo skin off my back, luv. It\u2019s no secret that you never loved me. I was a fool for ever thinking it would be different.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI know that my being with Angel bothers you,\u201d she said, and his whole bearing tensed even more at her words. \u201cPlease don\u2019t take this so hard, Spike. You\u2019ve always known where you stood with me. I . . . I could never love you like I loved Angel.\u201d Neither of them noticed her use of the past tense. Cordelia did, though, in her eavesdropping.<\/p>\n
\u201cGod, I should hope not,\u201d Spike said, scoffing at her. \u201cI\u2019d never want to be in a miserable, god-awful, ill-fated relationship like that. Bloody star-crossed lovers and all that mindless rot.\u201d<\/p>\n
She didn\u2019t take his insult well. \u201cWhat the hell do you mean by that?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cJust what I said. Your relationship with the Poof has ruined you for anyone else. It was an unhealthy relationship, Buffy, and it still is. You\u2019re not meant for each other. Okay, so you fell in love. Hoo-frickin\u2019-ray. But love does nothing when you aren\u2019t good for each other.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cAngel is good for me,\u201d she argued. \u201cYou just hate him, so you can\u2019t see that.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThat doesn\u2019t have anything to do with it, and you know it,\u201d he said. Walking up to her, he stood right in front of her, staring down at her face. His face was hard, the angled lines of his cheekbone and jaw standing out as his muscles clenched in control. \u201cMaybe all you and I had were a few good shags, but at least we were real with each other. I loved you despite your flaws, and there\u2019s a very long list. There was no pretense between us, no unreal expectations. You knew what I was and you came to me anyway. I knew you didn\u2019t love me, but I loved you anyway. We were real with each other, Buffy, and that\u2019s what\u2019s important.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cAngel and I are real with each other!\u201d she argued, her eyes flashing.<\/p>\n
\u201cYou are so delusional, Buffy. Angel has so much emotional baggage it\u2019s a wonder you can even move. He\u2019s always been too wrapped up in his own drama to be the kind of man you need. The kind of demon you need.\u201d<\/p>\n
At her now dangerous look, he forged on. \u201cYeah, pet, I know you don\u2019t want to hear it, but you do need some monster in your man. I\u2019ve told you that before, and I stand by it. Angel may have that, but he loathes it. He doesn\u2019t accept his demon, not like I do. He\u2019s so wrapped up in his own bloody misery that he can\u2019t be the one you need. You need someone who will absorb the violence and the darkness that you need to let off all the time. You need someone who will reflect the light you have back at you.\u201d<\/p>\n
He raised his hands and grasped her lightly at the shoulders, drawing her closer. His voice dropped to a low growl in his determination. \u201cYou\u2019ve got this rosy picture painted for your future with Angel, but what you can\u2019t see is that it\u2019s fake. An illusion. There\u2019s no possible way it can work for you. You\u2019re both too miserable to help each other out. He isn\u2019t what you need, Buffy. I am.\u201d<\/p>\n
He paused and looked down at her, watching the struggle as she warred with her emotions. He could see that she still wanted him, but she didn\u2019t want to accept it. As he watched, he realized that his heart couldn\u2019t take another rejection from Buffy. This time, he wanted to beat her to the punch.<\/p>\n
So he let the axe fall.<\/p>\n
\u201cI\u2019m the one you need, Buffy, and you\u2019ll realize that one day. But by then, it will be too late. Because I don\u2019t love you anymore.\u201d<\/p>\n
In the office, Cordelia knocked her head against the door jamb. Dumbass! He had her so close, and then he went and threw it all away.<\/p>\n
Buffy\u2019s mouth had dropped open slightly in surprise. He didn\u2019t love her? Dammit! He was supposed to love her forever, whether she loved him back or not. Against her will, her eyes began to sting with unshed tears.<\/p>\n
Seeing her shiny eyes only strengthened Spike\u2019s resolve. \u201cI don\u2019t love you anymore, not when I have someone who loves me for me. Someone who is real, who doesn\u2019t toss my love around like yesterday\u2019s laundry. She\u2019s a real woman, not a silly little girl. Not that you would know what that means.\u201d<\/p>\n
Buffy finally found her voice, her anger nearly consuming her. \u201cShut the hell up, Spike. I don\u2019t know why I even bothered to come over here. You\u2019re obviously in denial.\u201d<\/p>\n
She jerked away from him, backing up and heading for the door. \u201cAngel and I are going to work, and you\u2019re wrong. About everything. Cordelia is going to drive you nuts, but you deserve every bit of it.\u201d<\/p>\n
Opening the door, she turned her head back for one parting shot. \u201cI hope you\u2019re miserable with your \u2018real\u2019 woman.\u201d<\/p>\n
With a violent slam of the door, she was gone.<\/p>\n
It was silent for a few moments as Spike\u2019s folly echoed in the empty lobby. God, he really had a knack for stabbing himself in the gut and twisting the knife.<\/p>\n
\u201cWell that was brilliant, Valentino,\u201d Cordelia said, striding back out into the lobby. \u201cYou almost had her convinced, then you went and screwed it all up. You\u2019re never going to get her back if you keep throwing a non-existent love affair in her face,\u201d she pointed out.<\/p>\n
\u201cI know that,\u201d he said, still staring at the door. \u201cShe can usually see through my bullshit, but I guess she forgot how to do that.\u201d<\/p>\n
Cordelia thought about that for a moment. \u201cYou know, I noticed something when she was talking. She said \u2018I could never love you like I loved Angel.\u2019\u2019<\/p>\n
\u201cWhy don\u2019t you shove that stake in a little deeper, luv,\u201d he said wryly.<\/p>\n
\u201cNo, you\u2019re not listening, dork. She said \u2018loved.\u2019 as in past tense.\u201d<\/p>\n
He stared at her for a moment, then shook his head. \u201cEven if she did, it was just a mistake. She made it clear what she feels.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI don\u2019t think so,\u201d Cordelia disagreed. \u201cI think she and Angel are trying to find the spark again and it isn\u2019t there.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThat\u2019s not just wishful thinking on your part, is it, pet?\u201d Spike said, finally lighting up his cigarette.<\/p>\n
\u201cPfft. No. She just looked sexually frustrated. And you\u2019d think she\u2019d be all glowy with the post-coital love now that she and Angel are shacking up.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWait,\u201d Spike said, beginning to pace. \u201cYou\u2019re right. I didn\u2019t smell that on her.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cEww! Please don\u2019t share your smelling evidence with me, Please!! That\u2019s totally in overshare territory.\u201d<\/p>\n
He ignored her. \u201cI totally would\u2019ve noticed that. And it wasn\u2019t there. I mean, she smells like him, but not that much like him.\u201d<\/p>\n
Stopping in front of her, Spike let a huge smile spread over his face. \u201cThey aren\u2019t shagging. They aren\u2019t happy. That\u2019s the best news I\u2019ve had in a very long time.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cLet\u2019s just hope you didn\u2019t drive her to his bed with your little pep talk,\u201d Cordelia said with a smile.<\/p>\n
Spike\u2019s smile turned into a grimace. \u201cYou just had to go and ruin my good mood. You\u2019re evil, cheerleader.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cSo they tell me.\u201d<\/p>\n
***<\/p>\n
The book in Angel\u2019s hands had changed from Inferno<\/i> to War and Peace<\/i>, but the scene was nearly identical to the one a few weeks ago. Buffy, having just come from a heart-wrenching confrontation with Spike, burst into Angel\u2019s apartment, tears streaming down her face and anger making her cheeks rosy. She\u2019d killed a pack of vampires on her way home, but that had done almost nothing to salve her wounds.<\/p>\n
But although the scenes had begun so similarly, the outcome was very, very different.<\/p>\n
Angel set the book down on the coffee table, rising to catch her as she barreled past. \u201cWhoa, Buffy. Slow down. What\u2019s going on?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI\u2019m just . . . I\u2019m just . . .\u201d more tears spilled over as she looked up at him, her whole body trembling with her frustration and anger.<\/p>\n
\u201cI don\u2019t want to talk about it,\u201d she said, her mouth closing firmly.<\/p>\n
He raised an eyebrow at her as he stroked her upper arms with his thumbs, trying to soothe her. \u201cUm, okay.\u201d<\/p>\n
He was totally at a loss for words. No big surprise there.<\/p>\n
She looked up at him, her eyes shiny, her breathing shallow. She took in his features, his beautiful face and eyes, and Spike\u2019s words came flooding back.Your relationship with the Poof has ruined you for anyone else. It was an unhealthy relationship, Buffy, and it still is. You\u2019re not meant for each other. He isn\u2019t what you need, Buffy. <\/i><\/p>\n
\u201cHe\u2019s so wrong,\u201d she whispered, her hand trailing up to cup Angel\u2019s face. \u201cWe\u2019re good together, aren\u2019t we, Angel?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYeah, Buffy.\u201d He looked puzzled. \u201cWhat\u2019s going on?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cNothing, Angel. Nothing at all. I just need you, that\u2019s all. I need to be with you. I need to know that we\u2019re forever. That we\u2019ll be together like we\u2019ve always wanted. I need to know that you love me, Angel.\u201d<\/p>\n
He didn\u2019t say anything. She stood there, waiting, looking up at him with glistening eyes, and the words were stuck in his throat. How many times had he told her he loved her? How many times had he told her since she\u2019d come here? And now, when the moment was made for those words, he couldn\u2019t force them past his lips. So instead, when words wouldn\u2019t come, he showed her the only way he knew how. But even that seemed wrong. Seemed inadequate. Seemed traitorous. To whom, he wouldn\u2019t say. But something about it just wasn\u2019t right.<\/p>\n
Carefully and tenderly, he lowered his lips to hers, tasting her slowly. Their mouths moved together, brushing against each other in a kiss that was perfect in its sweetness. They tasted the past on each other\u2019s lips, their love borne so long ago flowering between them in that moment. But instead of being a beginning to their future, it seemed, in a way, to be a eulogy for their past. A reverent goodbye for the love that would never be again.<\/p>\n
Both steadfastly ignoring the warning signs, they plunged on ahead. Buffy\u2019s hands came up to stroke Angel\u2019s chest, teasing his nipples through the thin material of his shirt. Her fingernails lightly scraped him, the sensation pleasant but not arousing. His hands stroked her breasts, squeezing and cupping skillfully, his thumbs rubbing the tips until they couldn\u2019t help but harden, but she felt detached. As if her body were responding without her.<\/p>\n
Furious at her inability to surrender to the passion, Buffy became more aggressive. She shoved Angel back down onto the sofa, straddling his hips. Breaking their kiss, she reached for the hem of his shirt and pulled it up over his head. He did the same with hers, reaching around to unfasten her bra. He took a moment to admire the beauty of her body, but strangely, he found himself wishing that she were built differently. He shook the thought off, knowing it was wrong.<\/p>\n
He brought her mouth back down to his, claiming it voraciously, making up with skill what he currently lacked in passion. Their hands wandered once again, his delving beneath her pants, unzipping the front and reaching inside, finding that she was damp, but not wet like he knew she should be. She trailed her fingers over his abs, noting that the muscles barely twitched at her touch.<\/p>\n
Even amidst all that groping, all the touching that should\u2019ve sent sparks of desire hurtling through their flushed bodies, their eyes never met. They never connected on that emotional level that had always brought them the frenzied oblivion of two lovers who couldn\u2019t get enough of each other. But still, they ignored it.<\/p>\n
Her hand strayed to his fly, unbuttoning and unzipping, only to find that he wasn\u2019t even hard yet. Despite the hunger of his mouth, his body told a completely different story. They both stilled as her hand closed around him, their eyes still not meeting. In that moment, the wrongness of this whole endeavor crashed around them both.<\/p>\n
Gently, Angel pulled Buffy\u2019s hand away from him, then zipped his pants back up. she grabbed her shirt and slipped it back on, and once their nakedness was covered, they looked into each other\u2019s eyes.<\/p>\n
\u201cBuffy, I\u2014,\u201d Angel stopped, not knowing what to say.<\/p>\n
She held her finger to his lips, smiling softly. \u201cI know, Angel. The time isn\u2019t right. I guess I\u2019m not as ready as I thought, and neither are you.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI\u2019m sorry, Buffy,\u201d he said, his face the picture of contrition.<\/p>\n
\u201cIt\u2019s okay,\u201d she said. \u201cWe have plenty of time to get it right. Why don\u2019t we just hit the sack for tonight?\u201d<\/p>\n
She stood up, pulling him with her. \u201cWill you sleep with me, Angel? Just sleep? Hold me?\u201d<\/p>\n
He smiled at her softly and nodded.<\/p>\n
Without saying another word, Buffy took his hand and pulled him back to his bedroom, closing the door softly behind them.<\/p>\n
***<\/p>\n
\u201cAngel, you\u2019re such a dumbass. Just let me put some ointment on it, okay?\u201d<\/i><\/p>\n
\u201cCordy, vampire here. Got supernatural healing abilities.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cDuh! But even supernatural isn\u2019t instantaneous. \u2018Sides, the ointment keeps infection away.\u201d<\/p>\n
He sighed. \u201cFine. Do whatever makes you feel better.\u201d<\/p>\n
Her smile turned sultry as she approached him with the ointment. She placed one hand on the uninjured portion of his chest and pushed him back onto the sofa. Once he was seated, she hiked up her skirt to mid thigh, then straddled him, her thighs squeezing his, her bottom snuggled between his outspread legs.<\/p>\n
\u201cOh, I know what would make me feel better, grr guy.\u201d She unscrewed the cap and squeezed a bit of the medicine out, then spread it on his healing wound.<\/p>\n
\u201cOh, yeah? What\u2019s that?\u201d he asked, distracted by the feel of her fingers on his chest.<\/p>\n
\u201cSome more field research on vampire stamina.\u201d<\/p>\n
It took a moment, but the light dawned. He reached up and grasped her hips, his fingers pulling her skirt even higher. \u201cI think that can be arranged, Miss Chase. Your test subject is primed and ready.\u201d<\/p>\n
She grinned, screwing the cap back onto the tube and putting it aside. She took one finger and ran it slowly down his chest, beginning at the collarbone and ending just below his navel. There, her hand spread out, her palm reaching down to caress the bulge in his pants. \u201cI do believe you\u2019re correct. The subject is definitely primed and ready.\u201d<\/p>\n
He growled, his mouth coming up to nip at her chin. He captured her mouth with his, a demanding, breath-stealing kiss that lasted until Cordelia pulled away, gasping for air.<\/p>\n
Her tenuous control made him smile. \u201cShall we commence with the test?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cAngel!\u201d she breathed. \u201cEnough with the silly roleplaying already. Just make love to me, okay?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cOh, yeah,\u201d he said breathily, running his hands under her skirt. He growled in pleasure when he realized she\u2019d left her underwear at home. \u201cGod, I love you so much, Cordy.\u201d<\/p>\n
He made short work of her buttons, removing her shirt and bra in record time, and before Cordelia could catch her breath, she was naked atop him.<\/p>\n
Her beauty nearly blinded him. High, perfect breasts stared at him, the nipples dark against the rest of her pale flesh. Just seeing her like this, her skin rosy with passion, her mouth swollen from his kisses, made him so painfully hard that he could barely stand it.<\/p>\n
Reverently, he reached one hand up to grasp a breast, rolling the tip between his fingers.<\/p>\n
\u201cCordelia\u2014,\u201d he moaned, his mouth descending to taste her. . .<\/p>\n
\u201cAngel,\u201d Buffy\u2019s voice roused him from the dream, only to find that he had her in a tight hold, his arm wrapped around her waist and her breast firmly in his grip. His heavy arousal was poking directly into her ass; in fact, as he awoke, he found he was actually grinding himself into her. Once fully awake, he yanked his hand away as if he\u2019d been burned, then scooted a few feet away across the bed.<\/p>\n
\u201cBuffy, I\u2019m sorry, I was dreaming, and I\u2014,\u201d he stopped, not wanting to explain any further.<\/p>\n
She smiled at him softly. \u201cI know. And I think we have a lot to talk about.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI apologized. Isn\u2019t that enough?\u201d He looked scared that she might want him to explain further.<\/p>\n
\u201cThat\u2019s not what I meant. I just think that a serious conversation is in order when my boyfriend is moaning another woman\u2019s name in his sleep.\u201d<\/p>\n
Oh, crap.<\/p>\n
\u201cAnd . . . ,\u201d she paused, a shadow of pain crossing her eyes. \u201cAnd when I wish that it was someone else grinding his hard-on into my ass.\u201d<\/p>\n
He just blinked at her.<\/p>\n
\u201cI think a talk might be a good idea,\u201d he said after a moment of enlightening silence. \u201cAfter a shower. A very cold shower.\u201d<\/p>\n