Part 6<\/b><\/p>\n
Unrequited love is a lot like water torture. It\u2019s a steady drip-drip-drip of water on the middle of your forehead, soft enough to be harmless but hard enough to notice. Each encounter with the one you love feels like one of those drops, spaced just far enough apart to let you put your guard down, then DRIP, you see her beautiful face and feel that rejection so keenly once again.<\/i><\/p>\n
You walk away from the encounter stunned and jolted, your insides whipped into a froth of confusion and pain, and you become determined to find a way to avoid these heart-wrenching emotions the next time you see her. You\u2019re a strong individual; you can find a way to beat this. If she doesn\u2019t want you, then by god, you can find a way to stop that drip and take away the torture and misery.<\/p>\n
Then, just when you think you\u2019ve fixed the leak, that you\u2019ve found the one thing to patch it up so you won\u2019t have to deal with those hurtful feelings anymore, there she is again. This time, drip has quickened, each drop stronger and more painful than you thought possible. The drops come harder and faster, suddenly running into a stream of water that blinds your eyes and courses hotly down your cheeks like tears.<\/p>\n
Finally, there comes a point where you tilt your head back, open your mouth and pray to drown, giving in to the hopelessness and clinging to the only foreseeable means of escape.<\/p>\n
***<\/p>\n
Stalking the streets of L.A. really isn\u2019t that much different than stalking the streets of Sunnydale. Sure, the asphalt is oilier, the air is smoggier, the nasties are nastier, but when push comes to shove, demons are still demons, and patrolling isn\u2019t really all that different.<\/p>\n
Buffy, despite the months that had passed since she\u2019d become not the only Slayer but one of many, still felt that compulsion to patrol. She still felt the need to seek out evil and destroy it, no matter what city she was calling her home. L.A. had more than its share of bad guys, and Buffy was glad that she could do some good here. It took the edge off the gnawing emptiness in her gut to be able to kill something every now and then.<\/p>\n
She\u2019d put up a good front for Angel since she\u2019d gotten here, but she was far from the relaxed, settled person she projected every day. She made out like she was happy she wasn\u2019t the only Slayer anymore, that she could retire with ease and let someone else handle the inevitable apocalypses.<\/p>\n
In reality, she longed for the days when black was black and white was white, when good was distinguishable from bad and she knew her mission in life. She\u2019d only felt that clarity once since being resurrected three years ago, and that was the night before they fought the final battle with the First, the last night she\u2019d spent in the strong, comforting arms of Spike.<\/p>\n
If she\u2019d admit it to herself, her heart was still branded with the touch, taste, and feel of Spike. She knew that she\u2019d never really get over him. When she told him she loved him on the night he sacrificed himself for her cause, she had been surprised to realize that she meant it. He hadn\u2019t believed her, and she hadn\u2019t had time to insist, but she\u2019d run up those stairs with the lead weight of remorse in her gut, dragging her down.<\/p>\n
Ever since then, she\u2019d walked around wondering if she had acknowledged that love sooner, would it have made a difference? She was haunted by dreams of him nearly every night, dreams in which she was able to save him, to love him, to beg his forgiveness for the harshness of her words and actions.<\/p>\n
If only to be given a second chance.<\/p>\n
But then again, she had. She\u2019d been given a second chance with the former owner of her heart, and was content to be here in L.A., content to sleep in Angel\u2019s spare room. Her heart beat rapidly as she anticipated the day they would stoke the flames of their old love into a bonfire. She even felt a little tingly at the thought of kissing him again, feeling his strong arms around her as they were finally free to explore their relationship in the fullest sense possible.<\/p>\n
She always felt they\u2019d been cheated the first time around, their first and only physical joining tainted by the return of Angelus. The memories of that night were still burned in her brain, the tenderness of Angel\u2019s embrace, his soft words of love, his worshipful appreciation of her body and her innocence.<\/p>\n
But even though she remembered that night fondly, and part of her wanted that again, she couldn\u2019t help but feel that the time for rekindling that flame had passed. That she\u2019d given her heart into the keeping of another, and giving it back to Angel would be a traitorous action to that one person who\u2019d sacrificed everything for her, the one person she\u2019d never given anything in return.<\/p>\n
***<\/p>\n
Hanging back a block or so, Spike\u2019s dead heart swelled in his chest as he watched Buffy walk purposefully down a filthy alley near downtown L.A. His mind was racing, his thoughts running in ten thousand different directions as he geared himself up for this reunion. He still wanted her, so very badly, that he could hardly calm himself down enough to approach her. So much was riding on this. He had to find out for himself that she wanted Angel, not him.<\/p>\n
Even now, his gut clenched as he thought about Buffy back in the arms of his grandsire. He growled without even thinking about it, his hands becoming tight fists in his anger.<\/p>\n
Cordelia was right: Angel wasn\u2019t what Buffy needed. He was. And damn it, he wanted so badly to make her see that. But deep down, he knew it had to be her decision. He\u2019d tried to force her once, and all that had brought him was several lifetimes of guilt.<\/p>\n
Before he let himself get too engrossed in his volatile emotions, Spike hurriedly closed the distance between himself and the small blonde in front of him. Just as he was about to reveal his presence, two vampires jumped out from a cross alley and attacked her. Leaning against the building nearby, he watched her fight, his mouth turned up in a proud smile as Buffy reduced the fledglings to dust in a matter of minutes. She was music personified, her hands and feet moving gracefully with each punch and kick. He grinned at her wisecrack she delivered just before she plunged her stake into the heart of the second vampire.<\/p>\n
Walking forward, his casual bearing hiding his ruffled nerves, Spike began to clap, the slap of his hands echoing like gunshots in the small alleyway. Buffy spun around, her stake at the ready, then swayed on her feet as she saw the apparition before her.<\/p>\n
\u201cI see you\u2019ve still got your moves, Slayer,\u201d Spike said with a small smile, coming to stand just feet in front of her. \u201cWouldn\u2019t do for the Chosen One to get out of practice, now would it?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cS-Spike?\u201d She whispered, lowering her stake and shoving it into her pocket. Her eyes were wide, her mouth slightly open as she gasped for breath in her surprise, tears stinging her eyes. \u201cOh, god. Spike!\u201d<\/p>\n
Her cry was music to his ears as she rushed at him, jumping and throwing her arms around his neck and squeezing tightly. \u201cHow is this possible? You\u2019re supposed to be dead!\u201d she whispered in his ear. She held tightly, her toes barely brushing the ground. The torrent of emotions flowing through her was bowling her over, so much so that at first, she didn\u2019t realize he wasn\u2019t hugging her back.<\/p>\n
Having her arms around him was just too much for Spike. He could smell Angel on her and it angered him. He could tell they hadn\u2019t had sex, at least not recently, but the thought of her in Angel\u2019s care made him so jealous he couldn\u2019t see straight. He was desperate to get away from the scent.<\/p>\n
After a moment of silence, she untangled her arms from around his neck and dropped to the ground, stepping back from him and searching his face in confusion. His expression was a neutral mask, not at all the loving welcome she\u2019d imagined in her dreams<\/p>\n
She spoke, her heart still pounding as she drank in the sight of him. She was desperate for answers, so desperate that she was willing to ignore his coldness for now.<\/p>\n
\u201cWhat happened to you?\u201d she asked in a rush. \u201cI thought the explosion at the Hellmouth killed you!\u201d<\/p>\n
He shrugged, still cautious and trying to control his anger over Angel\u2019s interference. \u201cThat little necklace scorched me right through, but I came away from it a little better off. Made me able to walk in daylight, nearly invincible.\u201d<\/p>\n
She stared at him in shock as she digested this, still reeling at his nonchalant attitude. She knew him well enough to realize that it was a front, a mask covering his more painful emotions, but she didn\u2019t know where they stemmed from, not yet.<\/p>\n
\u201cWhy didn\u2019t you find me?\u201d she asked quietly.<\/p>\n
\u201cYou were always saying you were better off without me, so I finally listened,\u201d he said with a shrug. \u201c\u2019Sides, word is that you\u2019re back with the Poof now, anyway.\u201d<\/p>\n
Gaping at him, Buffy didn\u2019t know what to say. Just seeing him again brought back a flood of feelings she hadn\u2019t begun to deal with, and now he wanted her to explain Angel? Obviously that was where his hang-up was coming from. It always came back to this. Her and Angel.<\/p>\n
She decided to address his reasons for abandoning her first.<\/p>\n
\u201cMy life was better with you in it, Spike, and you know it,\u201d she admonished him. \u201cAnd Angel,\u201d she paused, searching for words. \u201cAngel understands what I\u2019m going through. He asked me to come here, and I needed to be with him.\u201d<\/p>\n
Spike\u2019s heart splintered at her words. Even after what he\u2019d done for her, how much he\u2019d shown he loved her, she still didn\u2019t want him. Yet he still clung to a sliver of hope. Maybe, just maybe, she would chose him.<\/p>\n
\u201cI seem to remember you telling me you loved me,\u201d Spike reminded her, trying not to sound too needy.<\/p>\n
She smiled slightly at him. \u201cAnd you didn\u2019t believe me, did you?\u201d she answered.<\/p>\n
He shrugged. \u201cYou still said it, luv. And here I see that you\u2019re all cozy with your ex, and I\u2019m not even dust.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cBut I didn\u2019t know that!\u201d she said, exasperated.<\/p>\n
\u201cAnd now that you know I\u2019m still around? Does it make any difference?\u201d He sounded nonchalant, but inside, every muscle tensed in anticipation of her answer.<\/p>\n
She was quiet all of a sudden. Too quiet. Her mouth opened and closed as she tried to find the words to say.<\/p>\n
Spike stiffened as he saw her hesitate. That hesitation was the death knell to his hope, the silence rushing in his ears.<\/p>\n
With jerky motions, he dragged his pack of cigarettes from his pocket and lit one quickly, taking a drag to calm his nerves.<\/p>\n
\u201cWell, so that\u2019s the way its going to be, eh?\u201d he said, the corners of his mouth curling up into a mockery of a smile.<\/p>\n
\u201cSpike. . .\u201d she said, trailing off. \u201cAngel and I . . . I\u2019ll always have feelings for him, but you and I\u2014\u201d She paused, still trying to find the words to tell him how much he still meant to her, how much she loved him, but they escaped her.<\/p>\n
He didn\u2019t let her finish. He was going to come out the winner here, damn it, and he was going to go out in a blaze of glory.<\/p>\n
His voice was cold, almost accusing. \u201cNo, I get it. You can finally have him, just like you\u2019ve always wanted. You\u2019re precious, soul-having, broody vampire. I know I\u2019ve always been dead last with you, Slayer. I was in love with you once, remember? You made sure I knew I never had a chance, so I guess it\u2019s a good thing I got over that rot.\u201d<\/p>\n
Her air left her in a whoosh as if he\u2019d punched her. \u2018In love with you once\u2019? As in not in love anymore? She felt a ripping sensation in her chest, suspiciously like that of a heart breaking.<\/p>\n
His next words laid her out cold, emotionally speaking.<\/p>\n
\u201cIt\u2019s bloody wonderful that you\u2019re with your Angel, \u2018cause I\u2019ve moved on too. Found me a woman that understands me, one with a body I could touch for eternity and enough fire to warm me until I explode.\u201d<\/p>\n
He flicked the ash from his cigarette on the ground and watched the glowing ember as it fell, refusing to meet her eyes as he lied through his teeth.<\/p>\n
\u201cWho is she?\u201d Buffy whispered, her still unspoken declaration of love now choking her. She was both dying to hear his explanation and dreading it.<\/p>\n
Finally, he looked at her, his eyes icier and more lifeless than she\u2019d ever seen since he\u2019d gained his soul. \u201cCordelia, my own little cheerleader. Beauty and fire, that one\u2019s got. And lord, what she can do and say with that ripe mouth of hers. . .\u201d he trailed off, a small smile of manufactured pride gracing his lips.<\/p>\n
He looked off into the distance, as if he was already with Cordelia in spirit. \u201cAnd you know what the best part is, Slayer?\u201d he asked softly, the pain in his heart needing retribution, making him want to hurt her like he was hurting.<\/p>\n
Buffy numbly shook her head. The thought of Cordelia in Spike\u2019s arms tore her apart, any joy she had at finding Spike alive destroyed with his words.<\/p>\n
He continued, his eyes boring into hers as he drove the spikes into her heart. \u201cThe best part is that she knows what its like to be tossed aside, ignored, and abused by you bleedin\u2019 hero types. And because of that, she understands how to be loyal.\u201d<\/p>\n
Buffy\u2019s jaw dropped as his implications struck home. Cordelia was loyal, but she wasn\u2019t. Her arch rival, the girl she\u2019d always envied, the woman who\u2019d always gotten everything Buffy had ever wanted, was once again taking the one thing she needed to survive. Only Buffy didn\u2019t realize it until it was too late. Spike had moved on, and she was left holding the pieces of her broken heart.<\/p>\n
Finally, she found her voice again. \u201cYou\u2019re living with her,\u201d she said, a statement, not a question.<\/p>\n
He nodded, throwing the remains of his cigarette on the ground and grinding it under his boot. \u201cIn Peaches\u2019 old place, the Hyperion.\u201d<\/p>\n
Her shoulders stiffened, and she gathered the tattered remains of her pride.<\/p>\n
\u201cWell, I hope you\u2019ll be happy with her, Spike.\u201d She tried to come off as supportive, but her tone was tainted with bitter jealousy.<\/p>\n
\u201cOh, I will be, Slayer,\u201d he said, a self-confident smile on his lips. \u201cI will be. See you around.\u201d<\/p>\n
With one last defiant look, he turned and strode away, desperate to escape.<\/p>\n
Buffy watched him walk away, cut to the core, finally letting her tears fall. She was never more glad that she\u2019d come to Angel than she was right then. At least he still loved her. At least she could run home to him, find solace in his arms, when she was denied the one person she knew she needed more than anyone else. Angel loved her, and she needed to put her feelings for Spike to rest where they belonged.<\/p>\n
As he lengthened the distance between them, Spike hated himself a thousand times over. He just couldn\u2019t stand to be there when she turned around and walked away from him, back into the arms of the one man he hated more than anyone else on earth. He\u2019d just slammed the lid to his coffin, every lie he\u2019d told becoming a nail driven in to seal it.<\/p>\n
All he\u2019d done was make things worse, and now he had another item to add to his long list of regrets relating to one Buffy Summers, Vampire Slayer.<\/p>\n
***<\/p>\n
Lost in the world of Dante\u2019s Inferno<\/i>, Angel was startled as the front door to his apartment slammed open and Buffy came rushing in, her eyes red and puffy from crying. Immediately, he set down the ancient book and stood up, pulling her to his chest and wrapping his strong arms around her.<\/p>\n
Buffy sighed at the feel of his embrace, reassuring herself that this was where she belonged. She drank in his scent, staunchly ignoring the twinge of pain as she noted the absence of cigarettes and leather.<\/p>\n
\u201cWhat happened, Buffy?\u201d Angel asked, concerned for her well being. It wasn\u2019t often that he saw the strong young woman so upset over anything, and it was worrisome to see her in this state.<\/p>\n
\u201cJust hold me Angel, please?\u201d she whispered, her breath warm against his chest. Her breath hitched as she surrendered to the pain, her hot tears soaking the front of his shirt and burning his cool skin. They stood like that for several moments, Buffy crying silently as Angel stroked her back, his chin resting on her head.<\/p>\n
Finally, he pulled back from her and tilted her face up to him, running a finger across her cheek and wiping away her tears. Softly, he leaned down and brushed his lips against hers, tasting the salt of her tears. She leaned into him, opening her mouth for him, and his tongue swooped in, exploring the familiar space and reveling in the taste. She brought back so many memories, so many of them good. It was soft and warm and comforting, but something was missing.<\/p>\n
Buffy took solace in the familiarity of the kiss, studiously blocking out the memories of another, the passionate, breath stealing kisses that she\u2019d come to crave only when it was too late.<\/p>\n
As their lips brushed each other, in the back of both of their minds came the stark, unsettling realization that something was absent: the fire of their old relationship was gone, leaving a cold pile of ashes in its place.<\/p>\n
Both Angel and Buffy quashed the unpleasant discovery and pulled apart, forcing themselves to enjoy the warmth of the kiss instead of dwelling on the lack of fire.<\/p>\n
\u201cAre you going to tell me what happened?\u201d he asked softly, knowing that she needed to talk it out.<\/p>\n
\u201cI saw Spike,\u201d she said, her lip trembling. \u201cHe isn\u2019t dead like I thought, Angel, and . . .\u201d she trailed off, not wanting to reveal the intensity of her feelings to him, even though her behavior told him how upset she was.<\/p>\n
Immediately, Angel felt guilty. He knew, after their conversation in the graveyard a few months ago, that Buffy had strong feelings for Spike and would want to know he was still among the undead. But his own anger and animosity towards Spike had prevented him from telling her anything. He should have prepared her, but he hadn\u2019t. He should have warned her, but he didn\u2019t. And now he was left to clean up the emotional mess he could have prevented.<\/p>\n
\u201cIt bothered you to see him?\u201d he prompted, not wanting to talk about Spike but knowing there was no other way to calm her down.<\/p>\n
She sighed, trying not to cry again. \u201cYeah, it bothered me. And then to find out that he\u2019s with Cordelia now. . . it was just too much to take in at once, you know?\u201d<\/p>\n
Her glistening eyes searched his, and Angel felt like he\u2019d been sucker punched. Spike with Cordelia? In what universe was THAT a possibility? The thought of it was ludicrous.<\/p>\n
\u201cSpike\u2019s not with Cordelia,\u201d he said emphatically. \u201cHe can\u2019t be.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cOh, he is,\u201d Buffy said bitterly, biting her lip as she remembered the painful conversation. \u201cHe didn\u2019t come right out and say it, but he implied major kissage, if not more. He said he\u2019s living with her at your old hotel.\u201d<\/p>\n
Buffy had no idea that her words had just driven a hot poker through Angel\u2019s gut; his outward expression gave away none of his feelings. But the thought of Spike\u2019s hands on Cordelia was enough to make Angel livid. Spike was so wrong for her. He didn\u2019t deserve her.<\/p>\n
Controlling his raging emotions, Angel reminded himself once again of his reasons for being here, his reason for having this woman in his arms. Buffy was his key to happiness. But it didn\u2019t mean he had to let his friends make huge mistakes. Cordelia was out of her mind if she wanted Spike.<\/p>\n
\u201cDon\u2019t think about him, Buffy. He\u2019s not worth your time. You\u2019re with me. You belong with me. We\u2019ve always wanted this, and we have the rest of our lives to love each other. I don\u2019t want Spike to ruin this chance we have at happiness.\u201d<\/p>\n
She looked up at him sadly, trying to take his words to heart, but they sounded like hollow promises to her ears. \u201cYou\u2019re right Angel, I just need some time.\u201d<\/p>\n
Pulling away from him, she turned to go to her room. Stopping at the entrance of the hallway, she turned back to him. \u201cThanks, Angel, for everything.\u201d<\/p>\n
Forcing a smile, he nodded. \u201cYou\u2019re welcome, Buffy. Sweet dreams.\u201d<\/p>\n
She turned and disappeared down the darkened hallway, and it wasn\u2019t until he heard the click of her door shutting that he let his features give way to the rage that was flowing inside of him. He refused to explore the reason why, but he needed to kill something. Now. Only the sound and smell of death could soothe his demon tonight.<\/p>\n
He shrugged on his coat and stalked off into the night. Maybe he could find a blonde vampire to stake. That would help a whole helluva lot.<\/p>\n