Part 5<\/b><\/p>\n
Two days later<\/p>\n
They say it takes two to tango. But when one of the dancers refuses to hear the music, resists the pull of the pulsing beat, his would-be partner is left a forlorn figure on the dance floor. She hears the music, the haunting rhythm echoing in her ears, and she tries desperately to quash the longing to be in the arms of her partner. She sees thousands of other couples lost in the dance, slaves to the rhythm, and the yearning becomes unbearable.<\/i><\/p>\n
All the while, she sees the man she loves, his face set in a determined expression, and she knows that he hears the music too. It pains her to see that he refuses to succumb to his destiny. Instead of choosing the frenzy of the tango, he\u2019s chosen the wrong partner and is trudging through the polka, determined to make it work.<\/p>\n
This deliberate rejection is the most painful part of all.<\/p>\n
***<\/p>\n
Angel eyed the half full glass of liquor on his desk with distaste. It was 3 o\u2019clock in the afternoon, practically breakfast time for him, and he was already on his second glass. He wasn\u2019t really an alcoholic; vampires didn\u2019t succumb to that addiction in the same way humans did, but he was dangerously close to forming a habit of medicating himself with the stuff on a regular basis. Ever since they\u2019d defeated Jasmine, his drinking had increased steadily. He felt like he needed the numbness that the liquor provided him. It took the edge off the pain, and he definitely had his share of that.<\/p>\n
He picked up the glass reluctantly and took a swallow, the golden liquid burning his insides on the way down. Against his wishes, his mind wandered back to a few nights ago and its disturbing events, just as it had nearly every hour since that fateful night. Remembering Buffy\u2019s unexpected arrival brought a warm fuzzy feeling to his mind. They\u2019d talked late into the early morning hours, then went to bed separately. Buffy had been considerate enough to leave Cordelia out of their talk, sensing his volatile feelings and respecting them. The days since then had been filled with a warm camaraderie, and they had yet to even kiss, let alone share a bed. It just seemed right to take it slow.<\/p>\n
Angel was glad Buffy was there, but even though it was nice, he was having a hard time conjuring up passion-filled emotions for their rekindled relationship. He was getting his soul mate back, wasn\u2019t he? Finally, a chance at happiness? Somehow what was supposed to be solid gold was suddenly looking like lead with gold plating. But he loved Buffy. He\u2019d always loved Buffy, and he always would. He knew they could make it work, he just had to try harder.<\/p>\n
It was the thoughts of Cordelia and their argument that really brought his emotions to life, though. The memories of his harsh words and attitude towards her burned him from the inside out much more harshly than the liquor had. He\u2019d had no right to blame her for what had happened when she was possessed by Jasmine, and in the harsh light of day, his actions shamed him.<\/p>\n
It wasn\u2019t Cordelia that killed Lilah.<\/p>\n
It wasn\u2019t Cordelia that slept with Connor.<\/p>\n
It wasn\u2019t Cordelia that stole his soul.<\/p>\n
It wasn\u2019t Cordelia that offered Angelus her body.<\/p>\n
It wasn\u2019t Cordelia that flaunted her pregnancy in front of him.<\/p>\n
It wasn\u2019t Cordelia that flung his unspoken love back in his face.<\/p>\n
The litany kept echoing in his mind, and it had been ever since he\u2019d shut the door to his bedroom after she\u2019d left and the stillness of the night had revealed his fear and anger for what it really was. She\u2019d come to him for support, as a best friend who needed reassurance and comfort, and he\u2019d shoved her away with every word he\u2019d spoken.<\/p>\n
She\u2019d asked him questions that were piercing, but he\u2019d owed her honest answers. He hadn\u2019t given any. He\u2019d just made illogical excuses in his anger.<\/p>\n
He\u2019d failed her. Just like he always had. She\u2019d given him everything but her love, and he\u2019d failed to protect her, not even noticing that she wasn\u2019t his Cordy until it was way, way too late. Then he\u2019d gone and acted like a total ass, driving her away when he should\u2019ve grabbed her and held on tight.<\/p>\n
In short, he felt like shit.<\/p>\n
***<\/p>\n
Twenty minutes later, the buzzer on Angel\u2019s intercom clawed viciously at his sensitive hearing. Every time Melanie used it, he swore up and down that he was going to get something quieter. But every time, the message she sent through the intercom made that vow disappear into nothingness. She always saved the most shocking news for the intercom.<\/p>\n
Today was no different.<\/p>\n
\u201cWhat?\u201d He growled his usual response.<\/p>\n
\u201cA Ms. Chase is here to see you, Mr. Angel. She has no appointment, but she insists on speaking with you.\u201d Just as with Spike, the disdain in Melanie\u2019s voice was blatantly obvious. The woman thrived on order, and not having an appointment was akin to selling your soul to the devil.<\/p>\n
\u201cSend her in, Melanie,\u201d Angel said, severing the connection and leaning back in his chair. He crossed his arms over his chest, and if he\u2019d had a working heart, it would\u2019ve been beating out of his chest. What was Cordelia doing here?<\/p>\n
She breezed into the room and just like always, her presence lit up the space like nothing else could. It didn\u2019t matter that she wore an expression of careful neutrality, or that she was dressed more severely than he\u2019d ever seen her. It was just her; her scent, her glow, her very existence, that filled the room and overpowered his senses. Unconsciously, he drank it all in and allowed her presence to comfort him. Consciously, he registered that he wasn\u2019t angry with her anymore, just disgusted with himself.<\/p>\n
Before he could open his mouth to apologize, Cordelia dropped a manila folder in front of him and sat gingerly in one of the chairs by his desk. He couldn\u2019t help but notice her beauty on display, admiring the golden length of her legs as they crossed gracefully when she sat. He didn\u2019t acknowledge the thought, just felt it.<\/p>\n
\u201cHi, Angel,\u201d she said breezily, a forced smile on her lips. \u201cI just brought by some papers for you to sign about the hotel. Apparently I can\u2019t live there without the owner\u2019s consent, and I totally want to be legal. Wesley gave me his key, so I\u2019m all set, but I just need you to sign at the red flags, there.\u201d She pointed at the manila folder and the little red flags sticking out of the edge.<\/p>\n
He just looked at her, suddenly tongue-tied. Maybe if he\u2019d had more warning, he could\u2019ve practiced an apology, but\u2014<\/p>\n
\u201cReally, Angel,\u201d Cordelia said, sounding impatient and irritated. \u201cI\u2019m not asking you for a whole lot. Just a signature, okay? So pick up the pen, and sign where I\u2019ve marked it. Then I\u2019ll be out of your way and you can get back to Buffy and whatever it is you\u2019re doing with your life.\u201d<\/p>\n
He frowned at her, then picked up the pen as she\u2019d directed and scrawled his signature on the lines she\u2019d marked. Then he spoke for the first time since she\u2019d entered his office.<\/p>\n
\u201cAre you sure you\u2019re okay there alone, Cordelia? I mean, the place is kind of torn up.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cIt is,\u201d she conceded. \u201cBut I\u2019ve already started working on it and I like it. It makes me feel useful.\u201d<\/p>\n
She closed her mouth abruptly, as if she had more to say but was unhappy that she\u2019d already revealed that much.<\/p>\n
He just nodded, still at a loss for words. What was it about this woman that stole every bit of his limited ability to make conversation? Sometimes she was so beautiful that he just couldn\u2019t help but\u2014<\/p>\n
Wait just a goddamn second, here,<\/i> he thought as the thoughts registered this time. Buffy<\/i> was supposed to be the one he was thinking about as beautiful.Buffy<\/i> was supposed to be the one that brought x-rated images to the forefront of his mind with her presence. Buffy<\/i> was the one he loved, not Cordelia. Mentally flogging himself, Angel schooled his traitorous thoughts and conjured up images of the blonde Slayer in his mind to dispel the lingering beauty of Cordelia.<\/p>\n
Across from him, Cordelia was less introspective and more . . . furious. She was furious with herself for coming here in the first place, an action she felt was degrading considering their argument a few days ago. She was furious with him for being so damn close-mouthed. She was even furious at herself for being furious. But what she was most upset about was something that she almost wouldn\u2019t admit to herself, and something that she definitely wouldn\u2019t acknowledge fully until she was safe in the confines of the elevator and away from his powerful presence.<\/p>\n
She still loved him.<\/p>\n
In spite of it all, in spite of his cruel words, his apathy, his blatant rejection, and his lame-brained decision making, she loved him. She loved him so much that her heart nearly disintegrated when she walked through his office door and saw him sitting there, wallowing in his own misery. She wanted so badly to walk around the desk and sink into his lap, bring his head to her chest and comfort him with her touch. Her fingers ached to touch his face and smooth away the frown lines, to run her hands over his cheek and soothe the battle she knew warred within him.<\/p>\n
But she didn\u2019t do any of those things. She couldn\u2019t. He wouldn\u2019t let her get close. He\u2019d rejected her, and she had no recourse but to bury her love behind a mask of indifference.<\/p>\n
These feelings that she\u2019d sworn she\u2019d ignore until she got out of his office began to seep into her conscious thought, so she sprang out of her seat and grabbed up the folder off his desk.<\/p>\n
\u201cThanks, Angel. I\u2019ll see you around, okay?\u201d She smiled at him, one that didn\u2019t reach her eyes, and breezed out of the room, the door closing behind her.<\/p>\n
He\u2019d stood up abruptly as she taken the folder from him and reached for her arm, wanting to stop her and apologize. But he\u2019d only just opened his mouth to speak her name when she was gone, and he was left empty-handed, feeling the chill of a life without Cordelia Chase more acutely than he ever had before.<\/p>\n
It was a good thing he still had Buffy, or he might have let this get to him.<\/p>\n
***
\nCordelia didn\u2019t even acknowledge the crowd of attorneys swarming the hallway as she barreled through, diving for the elevator doors as they opened. Two suits pushed passed her and one non-suit stayed in, but she was oblivious. She pushed the button for the first floor frantically, desperate to escape to her car where she could cry her eyes out and then drive home. God, why did it have to hurt so much?<\/p>\n
\u201cDon\u2019t let the poof get to you, Cheerleader,\u201d a deep voice echoed in the small space, startling her so much that she whirled around and backed into the wall, hard.<\/p>\n
\u201cS-Spike?\u201d she squeaked, holding a hand to her racing heart.<\/p>\n
He flashed that handsome grin of his and said, \u201cOne and the same, luv. I take it you\u2019re all better now?\u201d<\/p>\n
Cordy frowned, darkness clouding her pretty eyes. \u201cOh yeah, I\u2019m all better,\u201d she said, sounding anything but better, the pain of the moment overshadowing the fact that she was trapped in the elevator with an evil vampire.<\/p>\n
He smiled softly at her. \u201cWanna talk about it?\u201d<\/p>\n
She looked at him strangely, really looked at him, since she\u2019d first stepped into the small space. \u201cWhy do you care?\u201d she asked suspiciously.<\/p>\n
Rolling his eyes, Spike sighed. \u201cJeez. The lines of communication between Sunnydale and L.A. are appalling. You\u2019d think, what with everyone fighting on the same side and all, Giles and Wesley, at least, would share some information once in awhile.\u201d<\/p>\n
The ding of the elevator reaching its destination interrupted him, and he gestured for her to exit. She did, never taking her eyes off of him.<\/p>\n
\u201cWhat\u2019s that got to do with anything?\u201d Cordelia asked.<\/p>\n
He stopped and turned, and so did she. They were nearly to the door, a bright square patch of sunlight just a few feet away on the marble floor of the lobby. \u201cI have my soul. I went through hell to get it, but I have it. I won\u2019t hurt you, luv.\u201d<\/p>\n
She was astonished. The last time she\u2019d seen or heard anything of Spike was when he\u2019d come to steal the Gem of Amara and he was anything but nice then. It was amazing that he could make a change like that, but she\u2019d seen the very evident difference between Angelus and Angel, so she knew it was possible. Spike, though, was still very much himself. Just softer around the edges, less defensive, more sensitive.<\/p>\n
Shutting her gaping mouth, Cordelia just turned away and walked through the front door. After everything that had happened with Angel, Spike\u2019s revelation was just one weird thing too many. So she did what she always did when confronted with a persistent vampire: escape into the sun.<\/p>\n
Although this time it didn\u2019t work. She jumped nearly a foot when a cold hand encircled her bare elbow. A squeak escaped her lips as she whipped her head around and saw Spike standing by her. She went through her mental list.<\/p>\n
Standing in sunlight: check.<\/p>\n
Vampire at my side: check.<\/p>\n
Vampire standing in sunlight at my side: check check.<\/p>\n
\u201cWhat the hell? Spike, find some shade!\u201d she said, panicking, shoving him up against the building where a small patch of shade rested near the afternoon sun.<\/p>\n
He just laughed at her. \u201cI\u2019m okay, Cordelia. I\u2019m immune to the sun now.\u201d<\/p>\n
At the increase in the intensity of her astonished expression, Spike laughed harder. \u201cIt\u2019s a long story, pet. Nice to know you\u2019ve forgiven me, though.\u201d<\/p>\n
Spike pulled her back out into the sun and they walked toward her car. He reached out a hand and lightly squeezed her shoulder. \u201cRough day, huh?\u201d he said, trying to get her to talk.<\/p>\n
\u201cYeah.\u201d The pain of the last few days and hours came rushing back to the front of her mind and her eyes flooded with tears.<\/p>\n
\u201cLet\u2019s go get something to drink, okay?\u201d He said consolingly. \u201cThen you can tell ol\u2019 Spikey all about it.\u201d<\/p>\n
She rolled her eyes and Pfft\u2019d. \u201cJust so long as you spill what\u2019s making your eyes so sad, you\u2019ve got yourself a date.\u201d<\/p>\n
His confident grin disappeared as the mask fell slightly, his own pain flashing in his eyes. \u201cI\u2019d say that sounds fair,\u201d he agreed.<\/p>\n
A half hour later they were ensconced in the cozy, sunny corner of an outdoor caf\u00e9. Giant tropical plants bordered them on three sides, both muffling the passing traffic and shielding them from the curious stares of passers-by. They\u2019d ordered a bottle of wine and were waiting for their food to arrive, but neither was paying much attention to the happenings around them. Both were too engrossed in the stories of each other\u2019s misery to acknowledge anything else.<\/p>\n
\u201cSo you watched<\/i> them?\u201d Cordelia said in disbelief, her dismay evident.<\/p>\n
\u201cYeah,\u201d he said, remembering bitterly. \u201cAnd that First psycho was there right next to me in the shadows, in Buffy\u2019s form, no less, whispering what a bitch she was and how she didn\u2019t deserve me, driving the stake so much farther in that I couldn\u2019t take it and I left.\u201d<\/p>\n
Cordelia just shook her head. Part of her was still reeling from the fact that while she was in a coma, Angel was off sucking face with his ex-girlfriend. It was true that Cordelia didn\u2019t really have a claim on him then, but she still felt betrayed.<\/p>\n
Spike continued with his story. \u201cI didn\u2019t get very far away before morbid curiosity got the better of me and I went creeping back. They were outside the crypt talking, and it was bloody awful.\u201d<\/p>\n
He grimaced at the memory and downed the rest of his wine in a big gulp. \u201cShe was talking some stupid nonsense about cookie dough and how she wasn\u2019t done yet or some metaphorical rot like that. She did say, and I quote, \u2018Spike is in my heart,\u2019 but she turned right around and practically promised that all Angel had to do was wait around and eventually she\u2019d come crawling back. Damn near broke my heart in two right there on the spot.\u201d<\/p>\n
Cordelia swallowed a big gulp of wine too, taking comfort in the tinglies that were already starting to soften the edges of her pain. \u201cSo then you got immune to the sun, huh?\u201d<\/p>\n
Smiling at that, Spike continued. \u201cPeaches brought this mystical necklace that helped us defeat the First. I wore it as a \u2018Champion\u2019, if you can imagine that, and went up in flames for Buffy. She told me she loved me, but it was obvious in her eyes that she didn\u2019t love me like I wanted her to. I knew then that she probably never would, so when I crawled out of the rubble and found out I could walk in the sunlight, I just disappeared. She doesn\u2019t know I survived.\u201d<\/p>\n
Eyeing him surreptitiously, Cordelia warred with herself as to whether she should tell him that Buffy was here. It was obvious that Spike was as heartbroken as she was, and she knew that the knowledge would only add to his pain. But finding out by surprise was going to be even worse, and she didn\u2019t want him to go through that.<\/p>\n
\u201cSpike, Buffy\u2019s here,\u201d she said simply, softly to cushion the blow.<\/p>\n
His head jerked up and his beautiful blue eyes searched hers. \u201cHere? In L.A.? I thought she was in San Diego.\u201d<\/p>\n
Cordelia nodded. \u201cAngel\u2019s soul is permanent. Wesley found some kind of patch or something that makes it as secure as yours, like he\u2019d sought it himself instead of being cursed.\u201d<\/p>\n
Spike nearly growled at her words. He\u2019d gone through countless forms of torture to get this soul, and Angel got his handed to him on a silver platter? Totally unfair.<\/p>\n
She continued, unaware of his indignation. \u201cThen he called Buffy, and she came running to be with him. I guess post-Sunnydale slayage isn\u2019t all that great after all.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cBuffy\u2019s staying with the poof?\u201d Spike asked, hoping she\u2019d say no.<\/p>\n
\u201cYup. All cuddly at his new apartment,\u201d she said bitterly.<\/p>\n
\u201cI need to see her,\u201d Spike said, his eyes staring off into nothingness as he anticipated their reunion.<\/p>\n
She smiled at him and raised her eyebrow. \u201cI thought you\u2019d given up on her,\u201d she reminded him.<\/p>\n
He frowned and rolled his eyes. \u201cThat\u2019s what I tell myself, every single minute of the day. But you know as well as I do that you never really give up. You can\u2019t tell me that you don\u2019t go through the same thing with Angel.\u201d<\/p>\n
Suddenly the pain in Cordelia\u2019s eyes nearly overwhelmed him. In a twisted way it comforted him, knowing that someone else suffered as much as he did.<\/p>\n
\u201cI love him, Spike. I try not to. God, I try, but I can\u2019t help it.\u201d<\/p>\n
She looked down at the table, her vision blurry as she rubbed her index finger over the edge of her wineglass. \u201cI lost almost a year of my life when I was body snatched, and Angel can\u2019t seem to get past it. I can see it in his eyes. He can\u2019t look at me without remembering the awful things that my evil twin did, and I can\u2019t apologize because I didn\u2019t do any of it. He\u2019s punishing me for everything I didn\u2019t do, and I don\u2019t know how to fix it.\u201d<\/p>\n
Each word she spoke grew softer and thicker with the tears clogging her throat, and at the end, they welled up and spilled over, rolling down her cheeks.<\/p>\n
\u201cAnd now he\u2019s with Buffy. His soul is permanent, and he\u2019s trying to find the happiness that has always eluded him.\u201d<\/p>\n
Her tortured eyes came up and locked with Spike\u2019s, his face as intense as hers as he listened in pained silence.<\/p>\n
\u201cMore than anything, I just want my best friend back. It\u2019s true that I\u2019m in love with him, but I would settle for what we had before because I don\u2019t want to lose him completely. The pitiful thing is that I would let Buffy have him if I knew that it would make him happy. I would stand back and watch them together, as painful as that would be, if I knew that he could find perfect happiness with her.\u201d<\/p>\n
She paused, the intensity becoming too much. Spike waited, feeling her pain as keenly as he felt his own.<\/p>\n
\u201cBut I don\u2019t think he can be happy with her, not anymore. She needs you, not him. He needs me, not her. And that\u2019s not the selfishness in me talking, it\u2019s the truth.\u201d<\/p>\n
Spike nodded, sensing the rightness of her words. \u201cYou\u2019ve got it, pet. The problem is, I don\u2019t think we\u2019ll get them to see that truth until they both fall apart.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cBut you still have to see her, don\u2019t you,\u201d Cordelia said. It was a statement, not a question.<\/p>\n
\u201cYeah,\u201d he said wryly. \u201cI\u2019m a glutton for punishment. But I have to know how she feels. I have to look her in the eyes as she tells me that she loves him, not me. I can\u2019t leave the hope behind unless she does.\u201d<\/p>\n
Cordelia silently agreed with him, but she knew that even hearing those words and seeing the determination in the eyes of your loved one wouldn\u2019t even succeed in erasing the hope or the love. Angel had told her point blank the other night that he wanted Buffy, not her, and it hadn\u2019t let her move on. But she understood what Spike was saying.<\/p>\n
As she looked across the table at her partner in misery, Cordelia was struck with a flash of brilliance.<\/p>\n
\u201cSpike, where are you staying?\u201d<\/p>\n
He just stared at her for a moment, trying to process the change in topic. \u201cStaying? Uh, nowhere, really. A hotel.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI\u2019ve got a hotel,\u201d she said, smiling slightly. \u201cWanna move in?\u201d<\/p>\n
He grinned at her, the first real smile she\u2019d seen from him since they\u2019d entered the caf\u00e9. \u201cYou\u2019re still at Angel\u2019s hotel?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYeah,\u201d she said, sighing. \u201cIt has comforting memories, and I don\u2019t feel at home anywhere else. I could use a roommate, if you\u2019re interested.\u201d<\/p>\n
He reached his hand across the table and squeezed hers. \u201cThanks, cheerleader, but I think I\u2019m going to try to make it on my own for awhile. I\u2019ll make sure I visit, though.\u201d<\/p>\n
Just then, the waiter arrived with her meal. As he placed the food in front of her, Cordelia tried to hide her disappointment. Living with Spike was something she\u2019d never, ever thought she\u2019d want, but after just one afternoon with him, she knew she\u2019d found a friend that would stand by her through anything. Having his presence in the hotel would take away some of the pain of losing Angel, and she was sad that he didn\u2019t accept her offer.<\/p>\n
\u201cIf you change your mind, come on by,\u201d she said, her eyes begging him to reconsider.<\/p>\n
\u201cThanks, luv,\u201d Spike said. \u201cI\u2019ll definitely remember that.\u201d<\/p>\n
She dug into her food, suddenly ravenous after spilling her guts. Already, she was feeling her pain beginning to recede in the warmth of a friendly presence. As she ate, Spike began to entertain her with stories of Xander and his dorkiness right up to the final battle, and the afternoon slowly turned from torture to healing.<\/p>\n