{"id":11882,"date":"2018-07-15T12:43:24","date_gmt":"2018-07-15T11:43:24","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/goteamfiction.com\/?p=11882"},"modified":"2018-07-15T12:43:41","modified_gmt":"2018-07-15T11:43:41","slug":"to-brood-or-not-to-brood","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/goteamfiction.com\/index.php\/2018\/07\/15\/to-brood-or-not-to-brood\/","title":{"rendered":"To Brood Or Not To Brood"},"content":{"rendered":"

Title:\u00a0<\/b>To Brood Or Not To Brood\u00a0<\/strong>
\nAuthor:\u00a0<\/b>Chelle
\nPosted:\u00a0<\/b>02-26-2003
\nEmail:\u00a0<\/b>
\nRating:\u00a0<\/b>R for sexual situation
\nCategory:\u00a0<\/b>Post RofF
\nContent:\u00a0<\/b>C\/A
\nSummary:\u00a0<\/b>
\nSpoilers:\u00a0<\/b>Yes, for S4 eps we have seen and for spoiler\/foilers for future eps
\nDisclaimer:\u00a0<\/b>The characters in the Angelverse were created by Joss Whedon & David Greenwalt. No infringement is intended, no profit is made.
\nDistribution: <\/b>Just ask
\nNotes:\u00a0<\/b>
\nFeedback:<\/b><\/p>\n

\n

The lights of Los Angeles twinkled below like the stars hidden behind the dark and clouded night sky above. The room stretching inward, away from the balcony was dark and somber. It was the perfect place for brooding.<\/p>\n

After all, that is what one does after losing their soul, torturing, murdering, reveling in the purity of evil, only to be gifted – or cursed – with the damn thing again. Staying away from the ones you love after committing such unforgivable crimes is easy. Hell, the brooding was even getting easier. Sitting in the dark. Thinking about how much your life sucks.<\/p>\n

But the guilt. Well, the guilt makes you play each scene over and over in your mind until you want to scream. It eats you alive from the inside out until you almost wish for the clarity of your soulless self back. Almost. Yeah, the guilt is what gets you. Makes you realize what you are now. What the things you\u2019ve done have turned you into.<\/p>\n

What the people you love see you as. A demon wearing a human face. A face they looked at with love when the soul was behind it. A face they looked at with fear when the soul was gone. A face they can\u2019t look at at all now, even though the soul is back. Who could blame them after all. How could they forgive and forget. None of them have gotten an apology. They don\u2019t understand why. It is what they expect but that just seems too cheap of a price to pay for what they went through. They don\u2019t understand. No one does. No one can.<\/p>\n

\u201cHey, the brooding thing\u2026\u201d called a soft voice from inside the room, \u201cis my job you know.\u201d<\/p>\n

Well almost no one.<\/p>\n

Cordelia turned her face from the city below to the vampire who stood in the room behind her.<\/p>\n

\u201cThere have been a lot of nights,\u201d he continued as he walked closer to the open doors of the balcony, \u201cthat I have stood in that very spot. Thinking about all of the horrible things I\u2019ve done. How forgiveness and happiness were things I could never have. Things that I would never deserve.\u201d Cordelia turned to stare out into the night at nothing in particular as Angel reached her side. \u201cI would think I was at the breaking point. That I couldn\u2019t go on, but you \u2026 you always brought me out of it. You wouldn\u2019t let me sit up here and wallow in guilt and self loathing then and I won\u2019t let you do it now.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cThat\u2019s before I knew\u2026\u201d Cordy\u2019s words trailed off and Angel turned to stare at her pale and worn face, willing her to continue. Her words were the first she had spoken since that day. The day they found a way to get her soul back. She had gasped in pain and with a look of guilt in her eyes that Angel knew all too well, she had simply said \u2019What\u2026? Oh God.\u2018<\/p>\n

Since then she had hidden herself away in his suite, unwilling to see or talk to anyone. He had given her his room, thinking that all she needed was a little space and some time to come around. After all, she had always been the voice of reason when it came to getting on with life. She had handed out forgiveness so easily to everyone else in her life, but looking at her face now, he knew that this time would be more difficult.<\/p>\n

\u201cBefore you knew what?\u201d he gently prodded, aching to hear her voice again.<\/p>\n

\u201cBefore I knew how hard it was. It\u2019s too hard Angel,\u201d she turned to him sobbing. \u201cSitting up here, not being able to stop thinking about what I\u2019ve done. The pain I\u2019ve caused.\u201d<\/p>\n

This was his opening, his only chance. \u201cNo Cordy, that\u2019s where you’re wrong,\u201d forcing a stern tone of voice despite the heart aching sight of her tears. \u201cSitting up here brooding, avoiding, thinking. That\u2019s easy. The hard part is going down there and facing the people who love you. The people who risked their lives to get you back. You think that they can\u2019t forgive you because they are still hurting,\u201d his voice softened and he hesitantly brushed a tear from her cheek with the back of his hand, \u201cbut Gunn, Wes, Lorne, Fred, and Connor,\u201d<\/p>\n

Cordelia\u2019s eyes closed and she flinched slightly at the mention of the boy she had used as an instrument of pain against the others. \u201cand Connor,\u201d he emphasized, lifting her chin and forcing her to look at him, \u201call knew there was nothing to forgive when we found out what had been done to you.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cBut every time they look at me they\u2019ll see me as\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cCordy, when you look at me, do you see Angelus?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cNo, of course not.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWhy?\u201d he asked.<\/p>\n

She stared back at him with questioning eyes, struggling for the right words to explain to him why she could never look at him and see Angelus. The man that stood before her now, brushing tears from her face, was so far from that soulless nightmare that she couldn\u2019t even connect the two enough to explain clearly why they weren\u2019t connected in the first place.<\/p>\n

\u201cWhy?\u201d he asked again in a whisper.<\/p>\n

Then it came to her. Looking into his eyes. Feeling his hand touch her face. She had been searching too hard for some great philosophical explanation. The answer was simple. \u201cBecause when I look at you, I see you. I see Angel.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWhy do you think it would be any different for you? Sure it\u2019s going to be tense at first. But those people down stairs love you and know the difference between you and a warped soulless version of you.\u201d He lifted his finger to her lips to stop the interruption that he had anticipated and continued, \u201c Granted it took us a while to figure it out but to be fair we did have a lot going on around here.\u201d Angel moved his hand from Cordy\u2019s lips to her cheek and brushed away the last stray tear.<\/p>\n

Finally feeling the full weight of her emotional exhaustion, Cordy wrapped her arms around Angel, laying her head on his shoulder and closing her eyes. \u201cI don\u2019t even know how to begin Angel. How do I go down there and face them?\u201d<\/p>\n

Relishing the moment, Angel enclosed her in his arms, burying his face in her hair. \u201cDon\u2019t worry. I\u2019ll be there with you every step. I have some experience in this sort of situation you know.\u201d<\/p>\n

They both gave the hint of a slight smile as Cordelia pulled back slightly from the embrace. \u201cYou said they were down there. Fred, Wes, Gunn, Lorne, and Connor,\u201d she swallowed hard after pushing out the last name. \u201cYou said they would forgive me, that they love me. What about you?\u201d<\/p>\n

Angel felt himself tense. It had been so easy speaking for the others. The explanation of their feelings was so simple. She was one of them, part of their family unit. They loved her and needed her back to fill the void where that family\u2019s heart once was. But it was different for him. He felt all of that and so much more.<\/p>\n

He had tried so many times to tell her. He wanted to explain to her how he almost went mad when he thought her soulless self had slept with Connor, how his perfect day illusion had been based on having her love, how when Dinza had shown him where her soul was trapped he had moved heaven and earth – literally – to get her back. \u201cI told you. There is nothing to forgive and I love you.\u201d<\/p>\n

She smiled with relief, \u201cThank God. Even if everyone else was alright, I don\u2019t think I could bear it if you weren\u2019t okay.\u201d How could she tell him all of the things she had wanted to say that night at the beach? How could she tell him that her love for him as a friend had grown into so much more. That that love had made this whole ordeal so much more unbearable because she had inflicted the most pain on him.<\/p>\n

Angel moved his face even closer to Cordelia\u2019s and cupped the side of her face in one hand. \u201cI\u2019m more than okay Cordelia. I have you back. You\u2019re here with me and \u2026 I love you.\u201d He fixed his gaze hard with hers. \u201cI\u2019m in love with you Cordy. I have been for a long time.\u201d<\/p>\n

Cordelia began to fight back tears and answered in a shaky voice, \u201cAngel, how? After everything that has happened, how can you love me?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cCordy, do you love me?\u201d<\/p>\n

Everything she had rehearsed the night she raced toward their doomed rendezvous swirled through her mind. None of it seemed appropriate now. None of it fit.<\/p>\n

\u201cCordy, despite my past with and without my soul, do you love me?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYes, but..\u201d Angel silenced her with a gentle brush of his lips against hers, sending a shudder through her body. Then he drew back, leaving her breathless and dazed.<\/p>\n

\u201cNo more excuses, no more obstacles. We have both sacrificed what we have wanted for too long.\u201d With those words finally said, Angel crushed Cordelia\u2019s body to his, claiming her mouth with a long and passionate kiss. He could hear her heart thundering in her chest, as her hands clutched to him for dear life. Her mouth eagerly responded to his with both hunger and need. As fast as their desperate embrace had began, it ended when Cordy pushed back.<\/p>\n

\u201cAngel, we can\u2019t do this.\u201d His heart sank. What was he doing? This was too fast for her. He had needed to hear her words of love and feel her touch for so long. It had never occurred to him that this was all too much for her.<\/p>\n

Too fast after all she had just gone through. He wished she would let him show her how much he loved her. \u201cAngel, as much as I want this,\u201d Cordelia gestured and with desire fevered in her eyes continued. \u201cWe both know we can\u2019t. You can\u2019t,\u201d she finished with regret at the painful reminder of his curse.<\/p>\n

Angel smiled. That\u2019s what she was worried about. He had forgotten. How could he have forgotten that she didn\u2019t know? He finally had her in his arms, he really didn\u2019t want to waste any of their precious time together explaining how he had defeated his demon, beating it into submission during his out of body experience with Faith.<\/p>\n

There would be time. He would explain everything to her. But not now. He smiled at her again. \u201cA lot of things have changed since you\u2019ve been gone.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cReally?\u201d she asked with an arched brow and a tentative smile.<\/p>\n

\u201cReally. I haven\u2019t been able to look at you without wanting you. Knowing that now it was possible .. I\u2019m sorry. I didn\u2019t mean to rush you. We can take this slow. If we\u2019re patient\u2026\u201d His words were cut off by Cordy\u2019s mouth.<\/p>\n

\u201cYou know patience was never one of my virtues,\u201d she whispered as she pulled back only inches from the touch of his mouth. She swallowed and moistened her full lips. \u201cI want you so much right now Angel.\u201d<\/p>\n

Angel leaned in tracing her moist lips with his tongue, sending a shiver down her spine. His mouth descended to her neck, leaving a trail of wet kisses in it\u2019s wake, while his artistic hands slowly traced every curve of her body. With Angel backing her into the room, Cordelia frantically began to release the buttons of his shirt one by one. When the offending garment was discarded, exposing his broad chest and strong arms, Cordy found herself wedged between his body and the bed.<\/p>\n

So lost in passion, she hadn\u2019t realized until that moment that Angel had skillfully disrobed her, causing her body to tremble from the chill of the cool breeze blowing in from the balcony and the intensity of the brown eyes in front of her now drinking in every inch of her exposed flesh. \u201cYou are so beautiful Cordy,\u201d came his ragged whisper as he began to gently ease her down to the bed. In an urgent need to have him inside of her, Cordelia fumbled with the zipper of his pants.<\/p>\n

Taking his moan of pleasure in a deep kiss as her hands brushed against his sex slightly, she pushed his pants down over his hips. She arched into him, her body pleading with his to fill her. Teasing her, building her desire with his every move, he rubbed himself against her hot, wet center once, then twice. Looking into her eyes, he whispered, \u201cI love you, Cordelia\u201d and entered her in one long, slow thrust.<\/p>\n

He had wanted to take this first time with her slowly, savoring every moment of it. But soon need surpassed want as his slow movements became urgent, pushing them both to the edge too close, too soon. Her shuddering climax came hard and fast, forcing her to cry his name in such a way it aroused him past any control he had been desperately trying to grasp.<\/p>\n

With one last thrust that plunged him deeply inside her, he called out her name. Sagging down atop her smaller frame, he buried his head in her neck, whispering words of love in her ear.<\/p>\n

Cordelia lay there in Angel\u2019s arms all night. Feeding off of his strength. Knowing that with his love and support she could get through anything, even this.<\/p>\n

End.\u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n

Chelle<\/strong><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Title:\u00a0To Brood Or Not To Brood\u00a0 Author:\u00a0Chelle Posted:\u00a002-26-2003 Email:\u00a0 Rating:\u00a0R for sexual situation Category:\u00a0Post RofF Content:\u00a0C\/A Summary:\u00a0 Spoilers:\u00a0Yes, for S4 eps we have…<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-11882","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-completed-fics"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/goteamfiction.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/11882","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/goteamfiction.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/goteamfiction.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/goteamfiction.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/goteamfiction.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=11882"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/goteamfiction.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/11882\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/goteamfiction.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=11882"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/goteamfiction.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=11882"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/goteamfiction.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=11882"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}