Part 36<\/b><\/p>\n
\u201cMy father is dead.\u201d Connor\u2019s voice, deep with newfound maturity, rang with a flat, emotionless certainty. His panic was suddenly gone, as if Angel\u2019s words had shut off that valve in his brain and switched on the one marked \u201cproceed with extreme caution.\u201d<\/p>\n
Circling the room, Connor moved himself further away from Angel as if the distance would make him safer. Angel kept the space, moving around the room with him, facing him every step of the way. Finally they stopped, halfway from where they\u2019d began, Angel facing the door and Connor with his back to it.<\/p>\n
Angel sighed, motioning to the seat Connor had fled. \u201cWe need to talk about this.\u201d<\/p>\n
Connor stayed where he was, arms crossed over his chest in a defiant stance. \u201cThere\u2019s nothing to talk about.\u201d<\/p>\n
A feminine voice answered him. \u201cThere\u2019s a lot to talk about.\u201d<\/p>\n
At the sound of her voice, the valve switched back and Connor\u2019s mind flooded with panic. Every other thought fled, save a complete and utter blankness.<\/p>\n
Whirling around to face the door, Connor stared in disbelief at Cordelia, her soft voice startling him. He felt trapped, as if he\u2019d been caught in the end of a tunnel and his only access to the exit blocked. Like a deer caught in the glare of headlights, his eyes whipped from one to the other as he backed away, skittish and jittery.<\/p>\n
\u201cY-you\u2019re dead!\u201d His voice was hoarse, an audible sandpaper. \u201cI saw you, in my dream, strapped with explosives. I was going to kill you!\u201d Connor backed up further, his shoulder blades slamming against the hard rock wall, and still, he tried to back up further, scrunching his body against the wall. He felt like a lab rat in too small a cage, desperate to escape the torture he knew was coming. He couldn\u2019t take this.<\/p>\n
\u201cConnor,\u201d Angel said softly, stepping closer to him. \u201cBreathe. You\u2019re safe. We aren\u2019t going to hurt you. We\u2019re going to explain.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cLeave me alone!\u201d he shouted, his eyes wide and panicked. \u201cJust leave me alone,\u201d he said again, sliding down the wall and into a fetal position. \u201cLeave me alone.\u201d His voice became a whisper, his eyes filling with tears.<\/p>\n
Cordy walked closer to him, crouching down and making her eyes level with his. \u201cWe can\u2019t leave you alone, Connor.\u201d She spoke softly, putting liquid comfort into her voice. \u201cWe love you.\u201d<\/p>\n
He looked up at her, pain and tear-filled eyes boring into hers. \u201cBut how? You don\u2019t exist. My dreams aren\u2019t real. They can\u2019t be!\u201d<\/p>\n
Crawling closer, Cordy reached a hand out to touch his leg. When Connor didn\u2019t pull away, she slid beside him and leaned against the wall, her face close to his. She brought one hand up to stroke his face, pushing his hair away from his eyes, wiping his tears away.<\/p>\n
\u201cThey\u2019re memories, Connor.\u201d She said it gently, apologetically. \u201cMemories of an old life that was so painful it almost destroyed you. We have the power to restore them to you, and we may have to do it soon. They\u2019re coming back on their own, and they\u2019ll ruin you if you don\u2019t face them.\u201d<\/p>\n
Connor only sniffled a little and running his hands over his face to dry his tears. With that, his face turned neutral again, a cold detachment that scared Angel. He knelt next to his son, longing to reach out and touch him like Cordelia had been able to, but he knew that Connor wouldn\u2019t be receptive. And Angel wasn\u2019t ready, either.<\/p>\n
\u201cWe\u2019ll give you some time,\u201d Angel said slowly. \u201cWe\u2019ll leave for a few minutes, then come back and answer any questions you have, okay?\u201d<\/p>\n
Dragging his eyes from the floor, Connor met Angel\u2019s stare, then nodded after a brief, tense moment. He turned his expression away immediately, staring into nothingness and tightening his legs to his chest. Angel reached his hand out and brought Cordy to her feet, and they exited the room quietly.<\/p>\n
Part 37<\/b><\/p>\n
\u201cSay what?\u201d Fred\u2019s mouth hung open in disbelief, much like that of her contemporaries seated next to her. Her boyfriend had just said something that defied any known definition of logic and her scientific mind was having a really hard time processing it.<\/p>\n
\u201cAngel has a son,\u201d Wesley repeated.<\/p>\n
\u201cOh that\u2019s just lovely,\u201d Spike complained, standing up from his perch on the edge of the chair. \u201cPeaches not only gets his girl, he gets a son, too. Figures.\u201d He threw his hands up in exasperation. \u201cAlways has to show me up.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cSomehow I don\u2019t think this has anything to do with you, Blondie Buns,\u201d Lorne said dryly. \u201cMethinks Wesley here has stumbled on some sort of prophetic birth that only Angel knows about.\u201d<\/p>\n
Gunn frowned, his arms crossed over his powerful chest. \u201cSo why didn\u2019t the boss tell us about this? It\u2019s not like we couldn\u2019t have researched it for him. Or that we wouldn\u2019t have accepted his son.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cBut Angel\u2019s son wants to kill him.\u201d Wesley regarded the room\u2019s occupants thoughtfully. \u201cMaybe there\u2019s a good reason for keeping him a secret.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI just don\u2019t get it.\u201d Fred shook her head. \u201cIt\u2019s scientifically impossible for two vampires to produce a child. I mean, the equipment\u2019s there, it just doesn\u2019t. . . function.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI\u2019ll have you know it functions right proper,\u201d Spike said, affronted. \u201cIt just doesn\u2019t make little vampires, \u2019s all.\u201d<\/p>\n
Fred frowned at him. \u201cI wasn\u2019t trying to insult you, Spike. I just think that Angel might be thinking that this kid is his son when he isn\u2019t. How did he find out?\u201d<\/p>\n
Wes\u2019s frown matched hers. \u201cHe didn\u2019t say. Angel wasn\u2019t exactly forthcoming with meaningful information. He seemed to indicate that he would fill me in later.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWhatever it is, it doesn\u2019t sound like anything good. Sounds like we might have to beat somebody\u2019s head in before this is all over.\u201d Gunn\u2019s frown had grown deeper and he dropped his arms to his sides, as if prepared to fight that very instant. Somehow, it didn\u2019t seem out of place with his 3-piece Armani suit.<\/p>\n
\u201cWell, it better not be Angel\u2019s son that gets harmed,\u201d Spike said as Harmony walked in carrying a tray of beverages. \u201cPeaches gets kinda tweaked when people mess with his family. Not that he ever stuck up for me,\u201d he added as a bitter-sounding afterthought.<\/p>\n
\u201cSorry I\u2019m late, but the break room is way crowded. I had to practically behead someone to get to the microwave for Spikie\u2019s O-pos.\u201d Harmony set the tray down on the table and handed out everyone\u2019s drinks. Grabbing a mug for herself, she sat in one of the swivel conference chairs and grabbed her steno pad, readying herself to take notes.<\/p>\n
\u201cDid you say Angel\u2019s sun?\u201d she asked curiously. \u201cWhat, does he get to walk around outside in the day now, too? Lucky guy.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cNot sun, Harm,\u201d Spike said, exasperated. \u201cSon. S-o-n. As in a rugrat. Curtain-climber. Snotty, irritating little gems that louse up your life for good.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cGeez, somebody\u2019s bitter,\u201d Harm bit back. \u201cAnd that\u2019s impossible. Vampire\u2019s can\u2019t have children. Believe me, I know,\u201d she said as if imparting top-secret knowledge to people who should feel privileged to be given the opportunity to hear it.<\/p>\n
\u201cWell, Angel did, and that\u2019s what we\u2019re discussing.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cOh.\u201d Harmony was silent for a moment, then her eyes grew huge. \u201cOh! Oh, no. Oh. My. God! I just had sex last night. I could be pregnant right now! What am I going to do?\u201d She bolted up out of the chair and began to pace, ringing her hands.<\/p>\n
\u201cIt\u2019s okay, Harmony,\u201d Fred tried to reassure her. \u201cI think this was just an accident. Well, sort of.\u201d<\/p>\n
Harmony whirled around and pinned Fred to the wall with her eyes. \u201cAren\u2019t they all accidents? Nobody plans<\/i> to get knocked up, it just happens. I\u2019m too young to be a mother! I can\u2019t be saddled with a kid!\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWill you shut the bloody hell up, woman!\u201d Spike roared at her, clutching his head and moaning. \u201cIt was a blasted prophecy, not a contagious disease. We mediocre, run-of-the mill vampires can\u2019t have children. You\u2019re. Not. Pregnant!\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cOh good.\u201d Harmony slumped into a chair, sighing with relief. \u201cI was so freaked out there for a second!\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI never would\u2019ve known if you hadn\u2019t said that.\u201d Gunn\u2019s face was the picture of innocence.<\/p>\n
\u201cNo, I really was! But it\u2019s good to know that I can act so calm in a crisis,\u201d she added in all seriousness.<\/p>\n
It was hard work for everyone to keep a straight face.<\/p>\n
\u201cSo you don\u2019t want me to take notes?\u201d Harmony asked again a few moments later, looking a little lost.<\/p>\n
\u201cNo,\u201d Wesley said through clenched teeth. Harmony may just be the death of him yet. \u201cAnd this should be a strictly confidential conversation, Harmony. No talk in the break room about this. If I hear anything, I\u2019ll know exactly who spilt the beans.\u201d<\/p>\n
The threat in his voice made Harmony smile nervously. She backed toward the door looking at him warily. \u201cOf course, Wesley! You can count on me to keep my lips zipped. I\u2019ll be the soul of discretion. I mean without the soul and all. Um, bye!\u201d<\/p>\n
Everyone was silent for several minutes in the wake of Harmony\u2019s departure. She had a way of sucking all of the intelligence out of the room so that everyone had to work to get it back.<\/p>\n
\u201cI still think that Angel\u2019s known about this for a long time,\u201d Fred said quietly. \u201cand I think its way weird that he never said anything about it to Wesley. Hasn\u2019t he told you just about everything?\u201d she asked her boyfriend.<\/p>\n
\u201cHe\u2019s told me a lot,\u201d Wesley admitted. \u201cSometimes more than I\u2019d like to know. And I would think that if he had a son, Lorne would\u2019ve seen that in at least one of the times he read him, right Lorne?\u201d<\/p>\n
The green demon nodded. \u201cAt least a shadow of a munchkin, if there was one. Especially back when he was going through all of that beige aura unpleasantness a couple of years ago. But I saw nothing. Angel didn\u2019t know about a son then; I would stake my front-row Aretha tickets on it.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWhat about a memory spell?\u201d Spike suggested. \u201cRed liked to play around with those just before she went all wonky. We forgot who we all were with no clue as to how it happened. If she hadn\u2019t loused up her own spell, I might still think I was Giles\u2019 son.\u201d He shuddered at the memory.<\/p>\n
Wesley looked thoughtful. \u201cThat would make sense. If Angel\u2019s son was in danger, anyone who knew him would be in equal danger. Angel might have convinced us to alter our memories for the boy\u2019s protection. Hell, I might even have suggested it.\u201d<\/p>\n
Gunn frowned. \u201cI would never agree to that, Wes. I don\u2019t like people messing with my mind like that.\u201d<\/p>\n
Everyone stared at him in disbelief, and Gunn fidgeted nervously. \u201cOkay, so I don\u2019t usually<\/i> like that. The lawyer stuff was an exception.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI\u2019m sure,\u201d Wesley said, letting him off the hook.<\/p>\n
\u201cSo what\u2019s the game plan, Watcher Jr.?\u201d Spike sat back down, lighting up a cigarette and inhaling deeply.<\/p>\n
\u201cI say we make Angel tell us the whole story.\u201d Gunn crossed his arms again in his decisiveness. He still didn\u2019t like the idea of his memory being altered, despite his own choices in the same area.<\/p>\n
Wesley shook his head. \u201cI think we need to bide our time. Angel will tell us everything; I\u2019m certain of it. If he had our memories altered, it was for a good reason. We just have to trust him. And without a doubt, Cordelia will know the entire story as well.\u201d<\/p>\n
Fred nodded, coming over to stand by Wesley and grab his hand, squeezing it in support. \u201cCordy won\u2019t let Angel do anything weird.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI agree with the woodsprite, here,\u201d Lorne said, standing as if to leave. \u201cIf you need me to read the kid or anything, let me know. Otherwise I\u2019ll leave it in your efficient hands.\u201d<\/p>\n
The rest of the group nodded their agreement, Gunn somewhat reluctantly, then left the room. Wesley stood alone after kissing Fred goodbye, staring out the window. He hadn\u2019t told them the whole of it: he was scared for the boy. In those brief moments he\u2019d had with him, he had seen an instability there that was just below the surface. The kind of instability he\u2019d seen only once before in his recollection: in the eyes of Angelus.<\/p>\n
Part 38<\/b><\/p>\n
\u201cYou really are my father, aren\u2019t you?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI am.\u201d<\/p>\n
Connor seemed resigned to the fact, even though he couldn\u2019t quite get his mind around it. From what he could tell, there were, so far, three fathers if he counted the two in his dreams and the one that had just died. Not to mention Jace, who\u2019d tried to be like a father to him. A guy should be lucky to have so many strong men in his life. So why did he feel like he\u2019d been given a three-for-one deal that went horribly wrong?<\/p>\n
Angel\u2019s dark eyes were fathomless, but Connor found he could meet them without fear. There was something comforting in them. It was as if he could sense Angel\u2019s nervousness, and knowing that his father was just as jittery made him calmer somehow. In a flash of insight, Connor realized that Angel had a lot riding on this. If his dreams were any indication, Angel had never been given a chance to love his son in any normal way.<\/p>\n
And Eve wanted him to kill Angel. Kill his own father. How the hell had he gotten mixed up in this nightmare?<\/p>\n
\u201cSo are you guys going to explain this to me, or what?\u201d Connor sat back in his chair, sipping the soda Cordy had thoughtfully brought with her when they reentered the interrogation room. \u201cI\u2019m kinda confused.\u201d<\/p>\n
Cordy raised her eyebrows at him. \u201cYou seem sorta casual about this, considering how you were a half hour ago.\u201d<\/p>\n
Connor shrugged. \u201cI\u2019m adjusting. I thought all along that the dreams felt like memories, and every minute that goes by makes it seem more plausible. I\u2019m still totally wigged out by it, but my brain can\u2019t process it all right now.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYou\u2019re on autopilot.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cBasically,\u201d he agreed. \u201cI\u2019m sure it\u2019ll come back to bite me in the ass later when I can think about it, but right now I can\u2019t.\u201d<\/p>\n
Angel nodded, twirling his pen on the table top.<\/p>\n
\u201cSo? Where do we start?\u201d Connor prompted again.<\/p>\n
Angel\u2019s eyes met his. \u201cMaybe you should explain what your dreams were about and we can fill in the gaps.\u201d<\/p>\n
Connor nodded, then proceeded to explain every dream he\u2019d had and in the order he\u2019d arranged them. Cordy and Angel just listened, their eyes widening and meeting each other\u2019s at sporadic intervals. Connor ignored their sideways glances, knowing that they remembered everything he was recounting and it was probably as painful for them as it was for him.<\/p>\n
\u201cSo the way I figure it, the last one was the one with the dynamite in a mall or something. I was pretty Ted Kaczynski-ish there, wanting to blow everybody up because I couldn\u2019t live with myself. But I wasn\u2019t really there. I mean, the me now wasn\u2019t there. I was just watching. I felt the pain of the other me, but I couldn\u2019t really relate to it. I didn\u2019t understand it.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYou had been through a lot,\u201d Angel said softly, speaking for the first time in several minutes. \u201cYou were in so much pain.\u201d<\/p>\n
Connor just stared back at him, the eyes of his mother boring into his father\u2019s. \u201cAnd then you came at me with a knife. Everything went black, like when a movie fades out, and I wake up screaming every time I have the dream.\u201d<\/p>\n
Angel flinched.<\/p>\n
\u201cBest I figure it, that\u2019s the last dream, chronologically speaking. My dream-self\u2019s emotions are totally wacko in that one. Suicidal. Homicidal. Psychotic. Neurotic. Take your pick. It\u2019s a great big smorgasbord of postal.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThat was the last one, I think.\u201d Cordy looked at Angel. \u201cI was in a coma by that point. I don\u2019t remember any of it, but from what Angel tells me, it was.\u201d<\/p>\n
Standing, Angel walked over to the two-way mirror and stared at the place where his reflection would\u2019ve been. Slipping his hands in his pockets, he sighed deeply and began to explain. It all came out: Connor\u2019s conception and birth, Angel\u2019s joy over having a child, Connor\u2019s abduction and Wesley\u2019s betrayal, Holtz\u2019s revenge scheme, Cordy\u2019s body hijacking, Connor\u2019s downward spiral into mental breakdown. He fell silent when he remembered the day in the sporting goods store when he realized that he couldn\u2019t save his son.<\/p>\n
\u201cI knew then that I would lose you again, Connor. I knew that if I didn\u2019t give you a new life, you would die and take us all with you. You\u2019d given up. You didn\u2019t believe I loved you. You didn\u2019t trust me, and I don\u2019t blame you. Everyone you relied on had either been taken from you or abandoned you. There was nothing left.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cSo you killed me?\u201d It wasn\u2019t an accusation.<\/p>\n
Angel nodded. \u201cI made a deal with the devil to save your life. Wolfram & Hart agreed to wipe the painful memories from your mind and give you a new happy life if I agreed to head their L.A. offices.\u201d Angel turned to face him, his deep brown eyes begging his son for understanding. \u201cI loved you too much to say no. You deserved to be happy, Connor. This was the only way I could give it to you.\u201d<\/p>\n
Connor nodded, suddenly unable to speak. Everything he\u2019d felt when he\u2019d seen them came rushing back again and his eyes filled with tears. Leaning forward, he planted his elbows on the table and buried his face in his hands. He tried to control his breathing, but harsh gasps escaped him anyway, and he jerked away violently when a hand clasped his shoulder.<\/p>\n
\u201cJust go away, please,\u201d he begged brokenly. Pain-filled eyes came up to meet Angel\u2019s concerned ones. \u201cI\u2019m sorry, I just need time. I need to sleep, to think about this, I just can\u2019t. . .\u201d he stopped, his voice breaking.<\/p>\n
Angel nodded, stepping back. Cordy stood and went to his side, clasping Angel\u2019s arm in her hands and stroking him softly.<\/p>\n
\u201cThere\u2019s a bed through that door.\u201d Angel nodded to a door that hadn\u2019t been opened yet. \u201cAnd a shower. Get some rest. We\u2019ll come back tomorrow morning and talk through this some more, okay?\u201d<\/p>\n
Connor nodded again, not trusting his voice to speak.<\/p>\n
Part 39<\/b><\/p>\n
Connor watched as the other version of himself kissed Cordelia, his eager hands reaching for the golden flesh that was offered to him. The real Connor flinched as his dream-self deepened the passion, baring her body and his own, then lowering them to the bed. He watched with revulsion as his dream-self took pleasure in the body of the woman who should\u2019ve been his mother, the woman his father loved more than life itself.<\/i><\/p>\n
His real self longed to go over and yank his dream-self away and shake some sense into him. To shout to the rooftops that he was betraying his father, a father that loved him and would sacrifice his life for his happiness. But it wasn\u2019t to be. He knew, the real Connor knew that he couldn\u2019t change the past.<\/p>\n
Almost against his will, his feet moved, bringing him closer to the bed. He towered over the writhing figures, Cordelia\u2019s glazed eyes seeming to stare up at him, taunting him as she manipulated his dream-self\u2019s young body into pleasure. He could see it there, see the evil in her eyes, see Jasmine in Cordy\u2019s body. It sickened him. Turning his eyes away as their bodies exploded into gasps of pleasure, Connor fought to keep his stomach from retching. Time seemed to stand still and speed up all in the same moment until he was aware that they were both asleep, intertwined like stems of young ivy.<\/p>\n
And then, his dream-self stood beside him, looking down at the woman on the bed whose eyes were closed, face flushed in sleep.<\/p>\n
\u201cShe is beautiful.\u201d His dream-self held a hint of pride. Of possession. Of conquer.<\/p>\n
\u201cShe is evil,\u201d his real self retorted. \u201cShe manipulates you.\u201d<\/p>\n
He could feel his dream-self tense beside him. As if drawn by the pull of a powerful magnet, Connor turned to meet the eyes of his former self.<\/p>\n
\u201cMaybe,\u201d his dream-self conceded, \u201cbut she makes me feel.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cIt\u2019s wrong,\u201d he argued.<\/p>\n
\u201cI am weak,\u201d his dream-self responded, shrugging. \u201cI have nothing left. She gives me emotion. Gives me life. Gives me a reason for living. No one else cares like she does, even if she is evil.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cBut we aren\u2019t like this! I\u2019m not like this.\u201d<\/p>\n
His dream-self looked at him sadly, shaking his head. \u201cDon\u2019t you get it? I am you. You are me. This is who we are.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI won\u2019t accept that,\u201d he denied vehemently.<\/p>\n
\u201cYou can\u2019t change who you are. You are born with it. You become it. There is no escape.\u201d<\/p>\n
Connor shot up in bed, tears flowing and mixing with the salty sweat on his face.<\/p>\n
He didn\u2019t want to be that person again. He couldn\u2019t. But in the back of his mind, his worst fear haunted him. What if he couldn\u2019t change himself? What if he was destined to be alone and tormented?<\/p>\n
What if he was, at an elemental level, wrong<\/i> somehow?<\/p>\n
The mere thought scared him to death.<\/p>\n