Part 12<\/b><\/p>\n
Cordelia sat and stared aimlessly at the rain pouring outside the window of Starbucks. She held a steaming cup of coffee in both hands, her eyes unfocused as her gaze penetrated the trickles of water sliding down the outside of the glass. In its own way, this crazy spring storm soothed her. It seemed to fit her mood: the world was weeping, and she was weeping with it.<\/p>\n
Her heart ached unlike anything she\u2019d ever experienced. She thought she\u2019d had her heart broken before, when Xander had betrayed her with Willow, but that experience was a paper cut compared to this brutal stab to her gut. Her heart felt more than bruised; it was pounded and pulverized, the pain so great she could barely breathe.<\/p>\n
Having lost count of the number of tears she\u2019d shed in the last 24 hours, Cordelia felt numb save that constant ache in her heart. She\u2019d sought solace here, alone amongst the masses, hoping that the steady pulse of life around her would take away some of the bleakness of her life. Unwillingly, her mind traveled back to the morning after they\u2019d slept together, two days ago. It made her eyes well up even now to think about it.<\/p>\n
They\u2019d both been exhausted from the intensity of their joining, but that hadn\u2019t stopped them from turning away from each other. They\u2019d acted ashamed of themselves, embarrassed, uncertain, and the chill in the air had been enough to bring goose bumps to Cordelia\u2019s skin. They\u2019d awkwardly pulled themselves from the bed, Cordelia retreating into the bathroom for a shower, Angel going down the hall to an empty room for the same. They\u2019d met in silence over breakfast.<\/p>\n
Cordy\u2019s attitude had plummeted the moment Angel said nothing at breakfast. He almost didn\u2019t look at her, and she felt as though she\u2019d been found unworthy somehow. She felt that the problem wasn\u2019t with herself, but with him. So who the hell was he to ignore her? It should be the other way around. They\u2019d gotten in a huge fight that day over whose turn it was to empty the garbage. Wesley had finally yelled at them and taken it out himself.<\/p>\n
The rest of the day had gone even further down hill. They were both irritable, angry, and hurting, and they weren\u2019t willing to talk about it. Sleeping together that night had been out of the question, and Cordelia was grateful that Angel had disappeared sometime around midnight and hadn\u2019t returned until very early in the morning. She\u2019d clung to her side of the bed, huddled up and miserable.<\/p>\n
The next day hadn\u2019t been any better. They\u2019d walked on eggshells around each other all day, studiously avoiding one another. It wasn\u2019t until that night that things came to a head again. She shuddered even now at the ice that had surrounded them in bed. They\u2019d forced themselves to kiss each other as their homework demanded, but it had been a dry, unfeeling touch that left them both aching for the intimacy they\u2019d somehow lost.<\/p>\n
Unbidden, her mind drifted back to the pain and torture of that night.<\/p>\n
She\u2019d been wrapped up tightly in a layer of old, worn pajamas and bed sheets, the only part of her that could be seen were her wide, expressionless eyes. Black pupils swallowed the hazel, leaving a bright corona of toffee rimming the dark orbs. The last place she wanted to be was here, in this bed, with him. Not when he so obviously didn\u2019t want her. Not when he\u2019d touched her so passionately and now couldn\u2019t stand to be so close to her. She quivered inside with the pain of it.<\/p>\n
Next to her, Angel lay in a similar position, only his hands were clasped across his chest on top of the sheets. His dark oak gaze staring unseeing around the dark and unlit ceiling. God, why did she have to be so close, so tempting? It was painful; a throbbing ache that wouldn\u2019t leave him, both in his heart and his groin.<\/p>\n
He could feel the nervousness flowing off the girl next to him in invisible waves as she forced her breathing to be expelled in even puffs of air. He steeled himself against reaching for her to comfort her. She didn\u2019t want him. Her eyes had said as much, even as he\u2019d slid inside her. He avoided the sound of her heart rate beating loudly in her chest, so hard that he was sure it was painful for her. He wouldn\u2019t pay attention.<\/p>\n
Even as he studiously ignored her, Cordelia’s body ached with laying in the same position for so long. But she didn’t dare move for fear of what would happen. She didn’t even dare straighten her legs in case her feet brushed against his.<\/p>\n
Oh, god,<\/i> she thought, keeping her eyes pointed straight up at the same ceiling he was looking at. The silence in the room was deafening with only passing vehicles and noises from outside to disturb the peace-less atmosphere.<\/p>\n
Like his seer, Angel didn’t dare move an inch and he didn’t dare clear his throat. Doing so would break his hard-won concentration on anything but her. This had to be the longest night of his existence and that included all the hours he’d spent in hell.<\/p>\n
After another hour of silence, the vampire\u2019s tune had changed dramatically. He\u2019d had pretty much had enough with the situation and of not moving. It was his bed, he had the right to move if he wanted too and therefore he was going to move.<\/p>\n
Cordelia tensed right up when she felt the mattress shift a tiny bit and her fingers dug into the sheets she had been fisting since getting into bed. Her eyes flicked to grant Angel a dirty glance, telling him exactly what she thought of his movement.<\/p>\n
“What?” he growled, “I needed to move”<\/p>\n
“Did I say anything?” she snapped in response and settled down after a few moments of following silence. She could feel the contour of his leg which couldn’t have been more than two inches away from hers, the closeness making her give in to the need to move.<\/p>\n
Angel tensed up himself when he felt the brunette move further away from him and he couldn’t help but relish the extra space at his disposal and shifted closer to the middle of the bed.<\/p>\n
After that, Cordy had gritted her teeth and forced her eyes shut. The rest of the night had passed in a similarly uncomfortable manner, every breath of movement catalogued and groaned over. By the morning, they were both exhausted and tense, pulled on a tight string that made the tension impossibly higher.<\/p>\n
Today, in reflection, she knew that she wasn\u2019t the only one who\u2019d been hurting. She knew deep down that there was more to Angel\u2019s reaction to their lovemaking than he was revealing; otherwise, he wouldn\u2019t have started things up in the first place. The only thing that kept her from running to him was her biggest fear. She was afraid that the reason he was acting this way was because he felt, in hindsight, that he\u2019d betrayed Buffy and he couldn\u2019t live with himself.<\/p>\n
Hearing that from him would be worse than the most uncomfortable of silences.<\/p>\n
\u201cHi, Cordy!\u201d A friendly, feminine voice jerked Cordelia out of her miserable reverie. Her eyes widened at the woman near her, then a timid smile broke out onto her face.<\/p>\n
\u201cHey, Kiki,\u201d she said softly, immensely comforted to see her friendly manicurist. \u201cI thought you worked today,\u201d she said conversationally, trying to look normal.<\/p>\n
The buxom blonde sat down across from her, hanging her purse and shopping bags on the chair\u2019s back, then setting her latte on the table in front of her. She smiled reassuringly at Cordelia.<\/p>\n
\u201cI took the afternoon off. Thought I deserved it, you know? Can\u2019t work all the time.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYeah,\u201d Cordy sighed, her mind elsewhere. Her gaze drifted back out the window again, her eyes following the pedestrians as they scurried past in the rain.
\nThe women sat in silence for a few moments, Kiki quietly searching Cordelia\u2019s face before she began to work her magic.<\/p>\n
\u201cSo are you going to tell me what happened?\u201d she said after a moment.<\/p>\n
Cordy\u2019s eyes whipped back in Kiki\u2019s direction. All it took for her to lose it again was the sympathy that melted in the deep brown eyes of her friend. Eyes welling up with tears, Cordelia bit her full bottom lip and quickly looked away again.<\/p>\n
Kiki waited for Cordelia to find her voice.<\/p>\n
\u201cWe slept together,\u201d Cordelia whispered, one tear trickling down her cheek. \u201cWe had sex, and it was beautiful.\u201d<\/p>\n
Kiki\u2019s eyes grew wide, but she kept her voice neutral. \u201cThen what\u2019s the problem?\u201d<\/p>\n
Cordy\u2019s eyes searched Kiki\u2019s face in earnest. \u201cIt\u2019s always drama with us, Kiki. Let\u2019s just say that Angel has major issues, none of which can be ignored. Like yacht-loads of them.\u201d<\/p>\n
Kiki lowered her voice to a quiet murmur. \u201cDoes this have anything to do with Angel being a vampire?\u201d<\/p>\n
Cordelia\u2019s mouth dropped open. \u201cHow do you know that?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cRemember when you had that \u2018headache\u2019 during your manicure a couple of months back?\u201d<\/p>\n
Cordelia nodded. She\u2019d had a particularly painful vision during the middle of that afternoon, and she\u2019d had to call Angel from the salon. He\u2019d been frustrated that he couldn\u2019t come get her, and he\u2019d almost not let her go back the next time she\u2019d scheduled an appointment. Wesley had picked her up and the vision had been dealt with, but it didn\u2019t seem as though it was really that big of a deal.<\/p>\n
\u201cWhat does that have to do with anything?\u201d Cordelia finally said, not wanting to go into detail about her visions.<\/p>\n
Taking a sip of her latte, Kiki kept her face carefully neutral. \u201cI worked late that night, and it was winter so nightfall came early. I was just cleaning up my station to leave when this guy walked over and stood in front of me. I looked up, and of course, my first impression was to let my jaw drop.\u201d<\/p>\n
Cordy smiled faintly.<\/p>\n
\u201cI was like, \u2018Damn; come to Mama,\u2019\u201d Kiki said in a flirty voice, her cheeky grin in place as she winked and wiggled her eyebrows at Cordelia across the table. \u201cBut he seemed so serious. It made me get serious in a hurry, too. He just stood there for a minute, then after he made sure it was me, he told me who he was and that you work for him.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWhy?\u201d Cordelia asked, her eyebrows raised in genuine confusion. \u201cWhy would he need to tell you?\u201d<\/p>\n
Kiki shrugged. \u201cI got the impression he was checking to make sure I wasn\u2019t psycho or something. He said that you get really horrible headaches, and that they\u2019re his fault. He wouldn\u2019t go into detail, but he did say that he needed to be called immediately if that ever happened again.\u201d<\/p>\n
Shaking her head, Cordy\u2019s eyes got a faraway look in them. Angel was always so overprotective. But it didn\u2019t bother her now, not like it used to. And today of all days, this reminder of his protection only served to highlight what she feared she was losing.<\/p>\n
Kiki was continuing across from her. \u201cIt wasn\u2019t until he turned to leave that I realized only my reflection was in the mirror across the room. After that, it made so much more sense.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWhat did?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cAll the little stuff you start to say and then don\u2019t. The way that your business is mostly after hours when most PI\u2019s keep daytime office hours.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cBut vampires?\u201d Cordy said, skeptical. \u201cMost normal people don\u2019t believe in them, even when reality bites them in the ass. What made you a true believer?\u201d<\/p>\n
Kiki just smiled and leaned back in her chair, crossing her arms. \u201cYou\u2019re not the only one with ties to Sunnyhell, chica. My favorite cousin lives there, and I used to spend summers with her. Our idea of fun was playing hide and seek in the graveyard behind her house. I saw my share of vampires, stupid little twit that I was.\u201d<\/p>\n
Cordy raised an eyebrow, then shook her head in wonderment that Kiki had lived to tell the tale. Her life came crashing back in a hurry, though, and she turned to look out the window as she sipped her coffee.<\/p>\n
After a moment, Kiki said, \u201cSo what does Angel being a vampire have to do with you sleeping together?\u201d<\/p>\n
Cordelia\u2019s jaw tightened and she grimaced. She explained about the curse and the happiness clause. As she spoke, Kiki\u2019s face grew even more sympathetic.<\/p>\n
\u201cOh, hon,\u201d she sighed. \u201cI\u2019m so sorry.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThanks,\u201d Cordelia whispered, a tear running down her cheek as she swallowed back the lump in her throat.<\/p>\n
\u201cBut curse or no curse, it doesn\u2019t change the fact that you love him and he loves you.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cHe doesn\u2019t love me,\u201d Cordelia said sadly, staring at the remaining dark liquid in her cup.<\/p>\n
\u201cOh, Please,\u201d Kiki snorted. \u201cOf course he loves you. Why else would he sleep with you?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cBut he didn\u2019t lose his soul!\u201d Cordy argued.<\/p>\n
\u201cHe can still love you and not lose his soul. He probably saw the fear in your eyes and misinterpreted it as regret.\u201d<\/p>\n
Cordy forgot to breathe for a moment as she contemplated the possibilities. \u201cYou think so?\u201d she said, the thought sparking hope in her again.<\/p>\n
\u201cI\u2019d bet my front row seats to Ricky on it.\u201d<\/p>\n
Cordy smiled, knowing how much the other woman swooned over Ricky Martin. \u201cMust be serious, then, if you\u2019re willing to put those on the line.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cDamn straight, girlfriend. I wouldn\u2019t risk a missing the luscious view of my Ricky\u2019s bon-bon unless I was certain.\u201d<\/p>\n
Despite her sadness, Cordy couldn\u2019t help but giggle.<\/p>\n
After a moment, she brought up her last remaining fear. \u201cI know he cares about me, Kiki. He might even love me. I just don\u2019t think he loves me more than he loves her, and I can\u2019t live with that.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWho, that Bambi chick?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cBuffy,\u201d Cordy corrected with a wry grin.<\/p>\n
\u201cWhatever,\u201d Kiki waved her correction away. \u201cLike I said before. You\u2019re here. She\u2019s not. And he\u2019d be a fool to pass up a gem like you.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWell, we have our appointment this afternoon, so keep your fingers crossed.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cOf course, hon. I\u2019ll have all my fingers crossed. And my toes crossed. And my legs crossed.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThanks,\u201d Cordy said, bringing her cup up to drain the last of her coffee.<\/p>\n
\u201cUnless Ricky comes by,\u201d Kiki said thoughtfully as Cordelia drank. \u201cThen I\u2019ll have to forget about that last one.\u201d<\/p>\n
She had to pat Cordelia\u2019s back as the younger woman laughed mid-sip and choked on her coffee.<\/p>\n
\u201cSorry, hon,\u201d she said sympathetically. \u201cI gotta stop throwing those out there when people have their mouths full.\u201d<\/p>\n
Part 13<\/b><\/p>\n
Dr. Van Buren stared across the room at her two clients, hoping that this was the last time she\u2019d ever see their faces. It was more than obvious that she had her work cut out for her in this short session, but the clock was ticking. They had less than 24 hours to see that Angel\u2019s soul was made permanent, and it she wouldn\u2019t allow herself to think about the possibility of failing. She had to get through to them, and right now, or there would truly be no hope.<\/p>\n
She sighed and shook her head, her eyes resigned as she caught each one\u2019s gaze and held it for a brief moment before turning away.<\/p>\n
\u201cI see that not much has changed.\u201d<\/p>\n
Both remained stubbornly silent.<\/p>\n
\u201cWould either of you mind explaining what happened?\u201d<\/p>\n
The silence thickened.<\/p>\n
\u201cNo?\u201d she said sardonically, an eyebrow raised. \u201cGuess I\u2019ll have to up the stakes then. You,\u201d she pointed at Cordelia. \u201cWaiting room. Now.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cHuh?\u201d she asked, momentarily nonplussed.<\/p>\n
\u201cIn the waiting room. I want to talk to Angel alone.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI don\u2019t think\u2014,\u201d Cordy began, but a death glare form Dr. Van Buren stopped her. \u201cOkay, okay,\u201d Cordy grumbled, pulling herself out of the chair. \u201cFine. I\u2019ll go in the waiting room.\u201d She stalked away, sending a death glare of her own back at the therapist.<\/p>\n
The moment the door snapped shut behind her, Dr. Van Buren dropped in the seat in front of Angel. \u201cWhat the hell happened?\u201d She demanded.<\/p>\n
Angel grimaced. \u201cEverything. Nothing,\u201d he said, sighing. \u201cGod, this is such a damn mess.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI gathered that,\u201d she said dryly. \u201cBut what happened?\u201d<\/p>\n
Angel finally raised his eyes to meet hers. \u201cWe slept together.\u201d<\/p>\n
Dr. Van Buren forgot to breathe for a moment. \u201cAnd?\u201d she said anxiously.<\/p>\n
\u201cIt was a disaster. I was so close to perfect happiness, then I just saw something in her eyes. . .\u201d he trailed off, then stood up and began to pace in frustration. \u201cI think she loves me. No,\u201d he stopped and faced her. \u201cI know she loves me. But she doesn\u2019t trust me. And that hurt too much at the time. I couldn\u2019t overcome it. I need her to get lost in it, too. Otherwise, I can\u2019t be truly happy.\u201d<\/p>\n
Dr. Van Buren nodded, then stood. \u201cOkay. Look, here\u2019s what\u2019s going to happen.\u201d She began to pace as she outlined the plan. Angel\u2019s trepidation grew, but he also knew that her plan made sense. After a few moments of talking, she whirled around and pinned him with her steely stare. \u201cGot it?\u201d<\/p>\n
Oh, he got it all right. \u201cYeah, okay,\u201d he said, swallowing hard. \u201cBring her in.\u201d<\/p>\n
Within moments, Cordelia was ensconced next to Angel on the couch, clasping her hands nervously in front of her. What had they talked about in here?<\/p>\n
Sitting gracefully across from them once again, Dr. Van Buren smiled comfortingly at the nervous young woman. \u201cCordelia, I\u2019m going to ask Angel a series of questions. He\u2019s agreed to answer them truthfully and completely. These questions are ones that you need answers to. I believe that once you hear what he has to say, the problems between you will melt away like sugar in the rain.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cOkay,\u201d Cordy said, puzzled, but intrigued.<\/p>\n
\u201cVery well,\u201d Dr. Van Buren said, straightening her shoulders. \u201cAngel, I\u2019d like you to turn and face Cordelia, taking her hands in yours.\u201d<\/p>\n
He did as she asked, and he was amazed by the calm that stole over him just at the touch of her skin.<\/p>\n
And the inquisition began.<\/p>\n
\u201cAngel, how do you feel about Cordelia?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI love her.\u201d His simple statement, accompanied by the warm chocolate intensity of his gaze, brought tears to Cordy\u2019s eyes.<\/p>\n
\u201cAnd how do you love her? Like a sister? A best friend?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cNo,\u201d he said quietly. \u201cLike the woman I see myself spending eternity with.\u201d<\/p>\n
Cordelia forgot to breathe, her heart pounding in her chest.<\/p>\n
\u201cWhy do you love her, Angel?\u201d<\/p>\n
If it were possible, the intensity of his eyes grew deeper. \u201cI love her because she makes me laugh. I love her because she keeps me on the right path. I love her because she loves all of me, the demon, the soul and the man. And I love her because she believes in me.\u201d<\/p>\n
The tears spilled over, and streamed down her face. Unable to help herself, Cordelia raised a hand up and stroked his cheek, her thumb brushing his jaw as she returned the love wordlessly in her gaze.<\/p>\n
Dr. Van Buren ruined Cordelia\u2019s bliss like an oven opened on a souffl\u00e9. \u201cAnd how do you feel about Buffy Summers?\u201d<\/p>\n
Cordy bit her lip, her gaze looking down at their clasped hands as she shied away from what she feared would be in Angel\u2019s eyes. He wouldn\u2019t let her get away with it. His fingers grasped her chin, bringing it up and forcing her eyes to meet his.<\/p>\n
\u201cI will always love her for making me feel human again. BUT,\u201d he added as Cordelia\u2019s eyes welled up and she tried to look away. \u201cI\u2019m not in love with her anymore. I\u2019m in love with Cordelia.\u201d<\/p>\n
When Cordy would have questioned him further, Dr. Van Buren interrupted her. \u201cAnd if given a choice between Cordelia and Buffy, all other things being equal, whom would you choose?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cCordy,\u201d he said without hesitation. \u201cBuffy and I don\u2019t belong together. Not anymore.\u201d<\/p>\n
Dr. Van Buren nodded once, decisively. \u201cVery well. I believe that ends our session for today.\u201d She consulted her watch, then gasped. \u201cMy word! The two of you must leave immediately. I have a much more important client coming in less than five minutes. Go! Shoo! You can work the rest of this out on your own.\u201d<\/p>\n
Her mind a whirlwind, Cordelia was totally flummoxed by Dr. Van Buren\u2019s cavalier attitude. Hadn\u2019t she said they needed to get rid of these feelings for each other? What was the woman up to now?<\/p>\n
\u201cLet\u2019s go, Cor,\u201d Angel said softly, standing, then pulling her up beside him. He laid his hand on the small of her back and guided her to the door. Over her head, he looked back at Dr. Van Buren, who winked at him saucily.<\/p>\n
He couldn\u2019t help but smile back.<\/p>\n
As the door closed abruptly behind them, Cordelia snorted indelicately. \u201cGod, does that woman ever act normal?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cProbably not,\u201d Angel said with a smile, inwardly glad that Wesley\u2019s connections had proven so trustworthy.<\/p>\n