Part 5<\/b><\/p>\n
The door to his own suite had never looked more foreboding than it did right now. Angel stood outside it, still as a stone, storing up his nerve until he had enough to turn the handle and go in. The faint scent of vanilla wafted under the door and tickled his nose, and he knew instinctively that Cordelia\u2019s own scent would mix with it and overpower him with sensations when he entered.<\/p>\n
He took a deep, calming breath, letting the oxygen permeate his dead lungs and suffuse him with borrowed courage. Opening his eyes, it was a quick turn of the handle that allowed him to cross the threshold into the room.<\/p>\n
Cordelia\u2019s head whipped around when he opened the door, then closed it softly behind him. She was standing there in a fluffy white robe, a towel clutched in her hand and she looked almost startled for a moment as his eyes caught hers.<\/p>\n
Suddenly, it hit him. He couldn\u2019t do this. He couldn\u2019t stand around and let her touch him without imploding. He couldn\u2019t touch her without loving her. He had to set up some emotional walls, and quickly. The only way to do that was to escape for a little while, so he did.<\/p>\n
He smiled tightly at her, then it fell away as if the expression had never been there at all.<\/p>\n
\u201cI\u2019m going to take a quick shower,\u201d he said, looking away from her and striding across the room to the bathroom. \u201cI\u2019ll be out in a few minutes. I guess everything\u2019s ready?\u201d the last question was thrown over his shoulder as he entered the bathroom, almost as if he didn\u2019t expect an answer.<\/p>\n
\u201cYeah, it\u2019s ready,\u201d she said, shock at his hurried, nonchalant attitude making her voice neutral. Was he really so unaffected by this?<\/p>\n
\u201cGreat!\u201d he said, the false cheerfulness adding a veneer to his words. It struck her that he was covering for something, but she had no clue as to what. The only thing she knew was that he wasn\u2019t being himself, and that brought her guard up as well.<\/p>\n
Cordelia couldn\u2019t have said later what changed while he was in the shower, but something did. It started with an errant thought that here she was, waxed, moisturized, and perfumed, way too dressed up for a ridiculous massage session with a friend, when he hadn\u2019t even bothered to shower yet? What had he been doing, polishing his weapons?<\/p>\n
It felt damn good to put her heated emotions somewhere other than where they\u2019d been all afternoon.<\/p>\n
Her eyes narrowed. The jerk! No time for her, no time to prepare for this, this . . . bawdy, ill-advised massage.<\/p>\n
Her hands fisted at her sides. She was the one who\u2019d taken the time to make this bearable. She was the one who\u2019d found the candles, set up the table, and arranged the towels.<\/p>\n
Her eyes flashed. Just like a man. No, just like a vampire. A self-absorbed, brooding, ill-mannered vampire who didn\u2019t even acknowledge the hard work she\u2019d put in to make this homework assignment less scary.<\/p>\n
Her teeth clenched. Lusting after Angel of all people. Hah! Please. She had more taste than that. So what if he had a hard body. He didn\u2019t really care about her, not if he ignored her and then expected her to do all the work.<\/p>\n
Raising her eyebrows and setting her mouth in a straight, rigid line, Cordelia sat down on the edge of the bed facing the bathroom door, Crossed her legs and her arms, and waited.<\/p>\n
And waited.<\/p>\n
And waited!!<\/p>\n
How long does scrubbing take? Or gelling, which he was undoubtedly doing. She rolled her eyes and blew at the bangs that had fallen in her face. He was such a prissy man. So concerned with his appearance when he couldn\u2019t even see his reflection.<\/p>\n
In the bathroom, Angel stood beneath the spray, stalling. For some unknown reason, his frustration and bottled-up desire had morphed into anger at Cordelia. From the moment he walked into this bathroom and shut the door, he\u2019d begun to seethe at her, letting himself get more and more angry at her.<\/p>\n
All of those candles! What the hell was she thinking? This isn\u2019t some kind of brothel, or anything. it\u2019s just a stupid massage! She didn\u2019t have to make it all cozy and romantic.<\/p>\n
The robe! Tied loosely like that, taunting him, gaping open just enough for him to see the skin between her breasts, knowing what was under there but knowing he wouldn\u2019t be allowed to touch her except under the guise of a massage.<\/p>\n
Her attitude! That look of surprise when he\u2019d walked into the door. So coy. So obvious! Who did she think she was fooling? Ha! not him. Definitely not this vampire. This<\/i> vampire wasn\u2019t going to be swayed by her feminine manipulations.<\/p>\n
Finally, the door swung open and he stood there, angry, worked into a frenzy of irritation at her. He was wrapped only in a towel, and that was slung low on his hips, hinting at what was waiting underneath. Tiny drops of water clung to his chest in an enticing way, glittering like little diamonds in the half-light.<\/p>\n
Cordy swallowed, caught up in his beauty for a moment.<\/p>\n
While she stared, he looked his fill. Her knee had separated the bottom half of her robe, pulling the ends apart so that they barely met in her midsection. Her delicately arched foot bounced as she kicked it in her impatience, her arms crossed under her breasts, thrusting them into prominence.<\/p>\n
He swallowed, caught up in her beauty for a moment.<\/p>\n
Then, in just a few words, he succeeded in bringing himself back to earth. And ruining whatever chance they had left for a civil, soul-baring evening.<\/p>\n
\u201cSo? What are you just sitting there for? Let\u2019s get this over with,\u201d he said, his eyes darkened with remembered irritation. He walked over to the table and fluffed the towel that would serve as a makeshift pillow.<\/p>\n
Oh, that was it, Cordelia thought, her eyes narrowing. \u201cExcuse me?\u201d she said, the anger in her voice barely controlled. \u201cI have been waiting for you forever, and you<\/i> ask what I\u2019m<\/i> waiting for?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cGeez, Cordelia,\u201d Angel shook his head. \u201cGet over it. You wanna go first?\u201d He knew he was pushing her, but she deserved it. They should\u2019ve done this in the basement. In the smelly, cold basement where nothing was warm and cozy and romantic. Then maybe he wouldn\u2019t want to touch her so badly. Maybe he wouldn\u2019t be drowning in her scent. The scent that brought him peace and frustrated the hell out of him at the same time.<\/p>\n
She nearly screamed with the sudden, irrational rage that flooded her over his attitude. She didn\u2019t say anything, just stomped over to the table and laid down on her stomach.<\/p>\n
\u201cTurn around,\u201d she said coldly, and he did as she asked. She took off her robe, then shifted a towel to lay across her ass so that she was covered, but her back and legs were bare.<\/p>\n
\u201cOkay, I\u2019m ready,\u201d she said reluctantly, and sensed Angel turn around. She laid her head to one side, bringing her arms up and crossing them, moving the towel-pillow out of the way and placing her head on her arms.<\/p>\n
Angel selected an unscented massage oil as Cordelia lay there and fumed. He breathed deeply, trying to calm himself and push aside his frustration. He knew that if he touched her with all of these volatile emotions, his \u201cextra credit\u201d from earlier would take over his mind. He\u2019d start imagining what it would be like to move aside that towel and touch her, to kiss her, to taste her. . . He closed his eyes and breathed in again, clearing his mind. Only then did he allow his hands to descend to her back.<\/p>\n
Cordelia had her eyes squeezed tightly shut as she tried to control her anger. She didn\u2019t want to be here. She didn\u2019t want him to touch her. She didn\u2019t want his hands on her, she didn\u2019t want. . .<\/p>\n
Oh, god, that felt so good. His hands were placing gentle pressure on either side of her spine, working upwards from the small of her back. She felt the massage oil pool in the hollow at the base of her spine, then his fingers dipping into it and working it into her tense muscles.<\/p>\n
As pleasant as it was, the soothing massage did nothing to help them ignore the other half of their assignment. The part where Dr. Van Buren, the torture queen, insisted that they talk about their ex loves in great detail.<\/p>\n
Angel grimaced as he realized how far from fun talking about his exes would be. His fingers kneaded a little harder as his nervousness grew.<\/p>\n
\u201cLet\u2019s get this over with,\u201d Angel said, his voice low and rumbling. It was obvious that he didn\u2019t want to be here, and that in itself only served to fuel Cordelia\u2019s anger at him.<\/p>\n
\u201cBy all means,\u201d she said haughtily, her voice muffled. \u201cGet started. Heaven knows you have enough women in your past to last through fifty massages.\u201d<\/p>\n
He glared at her down-turned head and couldn\u2019t stop the growl from rumbling through his chest.<\/p>\n
She had enough sense to ignore the sound, even though it sent pleasurable shivers down her spine.<\/p>\n
He gritted his teeth and continued. \u201cYou want chronological or order of importance?\u201d he asked, stalling.<\/p>\n
She raised an eyebrow in question, even though she knew he couldn\u2019t see her. \u201cChronological, I guess. If we must.\u201d Her sigh was pure irritation.<\/p>\n
\u201cOkay,\u201d he said, sounding bored. \u201cFirst love was Molly in Ireland. I was thirteen.\u201d<\/p>\n
As he worked his fingers over her back, working out knots and kinks she hadn\u2019t known existed, he told her about Molly, his first love. About Jana and Rachel and Moira, and any number of looser and looser women that came after that. As he reminisced, his anger slowly began to dissipate, and his voice turned from a monotonous boredom to a sound resembling golden, thick honey.<\/p>\n
Cordelia found herself being soothed by him, soothed by the sound of his voice. She was transported to his past, drawn in by his bald recollection of his errant youth. But instead of feeling repulsed by his licentious behavior, she found herself feeling sorry for young Liam. Because with every girl that he spoke of, every story he told, she saw more and more how lost he\u2019d been, how he\u2019d been searching for something outside of himself.<\/p>\n
And then there was Darla.<\/p>\n
\u201cWere you attracted to her from the beginning?\u201d Cordelia asked, now caught up in his story telling. Her irritation at him remained, keeping the desire his massage would have released tightly at bay. It simmered on the back burner of her mind, still boiling, but covered, for now.<\/p>\n
\u201cOh, yeah,\u201d Angel said, his eyes far away as he remembered. \u201cI thought she was my salvation. Instead, she was my death.\u201d<\/p>\n
He was silent, his hands still upon her back as he relived that fateful night so many years ago and the recent events that had brought those painful memories so close to the surface. Remembering how he\u2019d been so obsessed with her this fall only brought his anger at Cordelia rushing back to the surface, though. He remembered his earlier thoughts about how much he\u2019d needed Cordelia and had been too stupid to see it. And here she was, soft and pliant beneath his hands, and it was too much.<\/p>\n
Finally, he spoke. \u201cTurn over,\u201d he said gruffly, and turned away.<\/p>\n
Cordelia sat up, then turned on her back and laid back down. She arranged the towel over her waist, then draped a smaller one across her breasts, leaving most of them, the tops and bottoms, exposed.<\/p>\n
\u201cOkay,\u201d she said softly, and he turned back to her, pouring massage oil into his hands again and laying them on her right thigh. He seemed disinclined to speak again as his fingers worked the oil into her leg.<\/p>\n
Cordelia wasn\u2019t so patient. \u201cAnd after Darla?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI was with Darla, and really only Darla, until Buffy. I had other women, other obsessions, like Dru, but I was devoted to Darla.\u201d<\/p>\n
He switched to the other leg.<\/p>\n
\u201cI can\u2019t say that I ever really loved her, though. I was loyal, but she didn\u2019t have me like Dru had Spike. I stayed with Darla because I hadn\u2019t found anyone better. Then when I got my soul,\u201d he paused, his hands hovering at her ankles. He moved to stand at the foot of the table, his thumbs lightly grazing the arches of her feet and sending tingles all the way up her spine.<\/p>\n
\u201cWhen I got my soul, it was like I\u2019d been cast into the sunlight, given all of the pain and torture of burning, but wasn\u2019t allowed to die. Darla detested me, and I realized I detested her. I tried to make it work, but I couldn\u2019t. My soul wouldn\u2019t let me. It would be another hundred years before I was able to find someone that I could care for so deeply again.\u201d<\/p>\n
He stopped, not wanting to go any further. He didn\u2019t want to keep talking about Darla, because talking about her meant talking about his stupidity of late. And that inevitably led back to the enigmatic woman with him. What a cruel, vicious cycle.<\/p>\n
But maybe his most recent love was a safe subject. He nearly laughed at that thought. Yeah, right. Buffy, a safe topic with Cordelia Chase? Ha!<\/p>\n
\u201cBuffy,\u201d Cordelia whispered, unable to dislodge the lump in her throat as she anticipated his worship of her.<\/p>\n
\u201cBuffy,\u201d Angel confirmed, setting his jaw and giving in to the inevitable. Might as well get it over with quickly. \u201cShe taught me to love again,\u201d he said simply, his hands moving up to Cordelia\u2019s torso, working the oil into her hips and her belly, brushing the undersides of her breasts with his palms. Angel was mesmerized for a moment, recognizing the impact he was having on her and hating himself for the responses of his own body at merely touching her skin.<\/p>\n
God, this was torture.<\/p>\n
Cordelia was similarly uncomfortable. As his hands stroked her, so close to so many erogenous zones, she responded despite her unwilling attitude. Under the towel, her body betrayed her, her breasts hardening and tightening at his touch.<\/p>\n
\u201cBuffy made me feel alive again. I\u2019ll always love her for that,\u201d Angel said, his hands stilling for a moment, only to resume again swiftly. God, why had he said that? It didn\u2019t matter if it was true. He knew that Cordelia would take it the wrong way. She would think he was still obsessed with his ex-girlfriend, when slowly, the Slayer had worked her way out of his heart. Absently, he moved up to her shoulders and her upper chest in silence.<\/p>\n
He didn\u2019t say anything else, and neither did she. He finished working on her neck and shoulders, then stepped back.<\/p>\n
\u201cYou\u2019re done,\u201d he said, an edge to his voice.<\/p>\n
\u201cThanks,\u201d she bit back, her eyes icy. \u201cYour turn.\u201d<\/p>\n
Angel just stared at her for a moment, then laid down on the massage table on his stomach. In a sudden show of defiance, he didn\u2019t bother covering himself up, just yanked off the towel and laid there in all of his hard muscled glory.<\/p>\n
Cordy bit back a gasp as she was treated to the beautiful, uninterrupted planes of his back side. Her eyes lingered a little too long on his ass. She seethed at herself, then at him for flaunting himself that way.<\/p>\n
As if Angel could feel her gaze, he said, \u201cStop ogling me, woman, and start massaging.\u201d Inside, his pride swelled as he realized that his ploy had worked. He\u2019d gotten her attention, all right.<\/p>\n
\u201cWoman?\u201d she quoted indignantly, pouring oil into her hand and then vigorously rubbing his back. She massaged him in silence, her teeth clenched.<\/p>\n
\u201cAh, there we go,\u201d he sighed as she hit a tender spot on his back. \u201cOn to your exes. How about Wilson?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWilson was not an ex. He wasn\u2019t even close. Just a creep, but you already know that.\u201d she paused for a moment at the bottom of his back and looked warily at the firm globes beneath. Uh-uh, not going to go there, she thought, skipping his ass and working on the backs of his thighs.<\/p>\n
Angel smiled inwardly as she avoided his ass. Obviously, she was just as affected by his body as he had been by hers. She moved down his legs in silence, working her small fingers into the crevices of his ankles and feet, bringing blissful relaxation to his body at her touch.<\/p>\n
\u201cTurn over,\u201d she said as she finished his feet.<\/p>\n
\u201cYou missed a spot,\u201d he said, laying still, smiling evilly where she couldn\u2019t see him.<\/p>\n
\u201cNo way,\u201d she said, her face scrunched up in disgust. \u201cI\u2019m not touching your ass, Angel.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cAw, c\u2019mon, Cordy. I mean its not like you want me, or anything,\u201d he taunted. \u201c\u2019sides, isn\u2019t this supposed to be a full body massage?\u201d He knew he was provoking her, but he couldn\u2019t help it.<\/p>\n
\u201cUh-uh,\u201d she said, her hair swinging. \u201cAnd just what are you going to tell me on the front side? If I\u2019m not touching your butt, I\u2019m definitely not touching anything down there,\u201d she said with disgust. Or she projected disgust anyway, and let the anticipation and longing be squelched inside.<\/p>\n
\u201cFine,\u201d he sighed reluctantly, smiling again when she whipped away as he flipped over and just lay there, not making any move to cover himself. Let her imagination do some calisthenics while she stood turned away from him.<\/p>\n
\u201cPut a towel on, Angel,\u201d Cordelia said, irritated and knowing what he was up to. She heard a rustle, then peeked to check if he was sufficiently covered. She ignored the twinge of disappointment when she saw that he was.<\/p>\n
\u201cSo I know about Wilson. Xander was the one before that?\u201d Angel carefully kept the disgust out of his voice at the mention of the whelp who\u2019d had the audacity to call him Deadboy. What Cordelia ever saw in him was beyond Angel.<\/p>\n
\u201cYeah, Xander.\u201d The fingertips digging so pleasantly into his shins and calves got a little rougher. \u201cThat was a mistake. Groping in broom closets isn\u2019t exactly a great thing to add to my resume. I still can\u2019t figure out why I liked him. He was totally in love with Buffy, not me. Or Willow, again, not me. I don\u2019t know what I was thinking.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYou must have cared for him a little bit,\u201d Angel said, honestly intrigued by why she\u2019d let the boy into her heart.<\/p>\n
\u201cYeah, I did. It was weird. Most of the time he annoyed me and I was embarrassed to be with him. And then there were moments, snatches in time, where he\u2019d be sweet and loving, and that\u2019s what got me.\u201d She moved up to his thighs, her small fingers working into his skin.<\/p>\n
\u201cAnd then he went and made out with Willow, and I got impaled by a rebar. End of story,\u201d her massage had increased until it began to resemble torture.<\/p>\n
\u201cCordelia, I know I\u2019m tough, but you don\u2019t have to try to gouge your fingers through my skin,\u201d he said, and she whipped her eyes to him as if she\u2019d forgotten that she was even touching him in the first place.<\/p>\n
\u201cSorry,\u201d she said absently, lightening her touch. Her fingers played over his stomach, rubbing his belly and sides, tracing the hard lines defining his six pack.<\/p>\n
\u201cAnd before Xander? Anyone else?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cNo one serious. I had a few dates, but no one I could claim I loved. The closest was probably Darrel, a football player who was older than me. But he died in a freak accident, then came back as a zombie that Buffy had to kill. Not exactly a great track record.\u201d<\/p>\n
He wisely kept his mouth shut.<\/p>\n
At her own mention of Angel\u2019s ex-girlfriend, his earlier words came back to haunt her. She made me feel alive again. I\u2019ll always love her for that.<\/i> His words echoed inside Cordelia\u2019s brain, and the hope she hadn\u2019t known existed was drowned by despair. He was still in love with Buffy, just as she\u2019d thought.<\/p>\n
And in the strong, glaring emotion of newfound jealousy, Cordelia fanned the flames of their barely stoked anger with each other.<\/p>\n
\u201cSpeaking again of your violence loving ex, I never could figure out what you saw in Buffy, Angel,\u201d she said, her voice neutral enough not to anger him, only irritate.<\/p>\n
\u201cIt wasn\u2019t your business then, Cordy,\u201d he reminded her as she rubbed his upper chest and shoulders. He was back to being annoyed with her, what with that skimpy towel she had around her barely clinging to her chest. What was she trying to do, torture him? The little tease!<\/p>\n
\u201cOf course it was my business,\u201d she said pettily, frowning as she grazed his nipples, ignoring the twitch his body inadvertently gave at the pleasant sensations. \u201cThe two of you in your ill-advised, star-crossed lover dramatic crap made it everyone\u2019s business when you slept together.\u201d<\/p>\n
Okay, now she\u2019d really crossed the line. He\u2019d been in love with Buffy. In-love people had sex. How was that a crime?<\/p>\n
\u201cI didn\u2019t even know about the curse, Cordelia, how was she supposed to?\u201d<\/p>\n
She just pfft\u2019d.<\/p>\n
\u201cWhat\u2019s that supposed to mean?\u201d he asked, indignant.<\/p>\n
\u201cDid I say anything?\u201d she asked innocently.<\/p>\n
Oh, that did it. \u201cYou pfft\u2019d. That\u2019s saying something,\u201d he said, glaring up at her.<\/p>\n
\u201cWell, it\u2019s just that Buffy should\u2019ve known that everything wouldn\u2019t be perfect. Sex is bad. We all know that,\u201d Cordy said.<\/p>\n
\u201cBut it still wasn\u2019t her fault,\u201d Angel argued. \u201cAnd I made her life hell after that.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYou made all our lives hell, Angel. Even evil, you were obsessed with her,\u201d she spat, her fingers digging into his neck and shoulders.<\/p>\n
As she finished the massage, her anger took over her words, making her say things she shouldn\u2019t have even thought, much less said. Jealousy had a funny way of making her talk too much.<\/p>\n
\u201cWhat\u2019s so great about Buffy, anyway? All of you men are so in love with her. So she\u2019s got supernatural strength, so what? She\u2019s got passable looks, I\u2019ll give her that, even if she\u2019s got bad taste in clothes. But her blonde is from a bottle, and she tries too hard. All \u2018poor me, my life is tragic\u2019 all the time. Please.\u201d Cordelia rolled her eyes, standing back from Angel and crossing her arms, the massage more than finished.<\/p>\n
Angel sat up and glared at her. So he wasn\u2019t in love with Buffy any more. So what? He didn\u2019t have to sit here and let Cordelia malign her like that. Not when Cordelia herself was flaunting her body in front of him and wreaking havoc with his senses.<\/p>\n
\u201cYou\u2019re just jealous of her, Cordelia,\u201d he said.<\/p>\n
Boy, howdy, was that the wrong thing to say.<\/p>\n
\u201cJealous?\u201d Cordelia said, eyes flashing. \u201cI am not jealous of that little twit. What the hell would I have to be jealous of?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWell, in high school, because all of the attention was on her when you wanted it to be on you.\u201d<\/p>\n
Ouch, that hurt. \u201cHa! Funny. I don\u2019t think so! She may have had attention all the time, but that\u2019s because she pouted if she didn\u2019t get it. She thought she deserved to be the center of everything, and all of you catered to her every whim. It was pathetic.\u201d She unfolded her arms and gestured aimlessly as she talked, one hand clutching at her towel. \u201cAnd now? What exactly do I have to be jealous of now, huh? Enlighten me, o wise one,\u201d she sneered.<\/p>\n
\u201cNow?\u201d he shrugged. \u201cMaybe because I still care about her,\u201d he said, looking at her closely as he lied through his teeth. If Cordelia returned one iota of the feelings that were burgeoning in him, he wanted to know. Her next words dashed his hopes.<\/p>\n
\u201cPfft! Please,\u201d she scoffed. \u201cLike I care about your long list of skanky ex girlfriends. You can have your little perverted fantasies about whoever you want, even if it\u2019s someone like Buffy.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cBuffy is not skanky, Cordelia, and you know it,\u201d Angel admonished. \u201cBesides, I think you are<\/i> jealous. You\u2019ve flirted with me before. I know you think I\u2019m hot.\u201d<\/p>\n
Oh, he knew he was digging his own grave, but he had to hold his own in this. He had to control this conversation before it got completely out of hand.<\/p>\n
\u201cPlease!\u201d she said again, aghast. \u201cThat was years ago. Before I knew what you were,\u201d she said, somehow making it sound like his vampirism was loathsome.<\/p>\n
His need for control flew out the window as he was struck by what he perceived as her snobbery. Hadn\u2019t he just been thinking that she accepted his demon? Accepted all of him? What a fool he\u2019d been.<\/p>\n
\u201cOh, so now you know what I am, and I\u2019m not good enough?\u201d he said.<\/p>\n
\u201cOh, come on, Angel,\u201d she said, rolling her eyes. \u201cYou and I are just friends, it couldn\u2019t be anything more than that.\u201d She shook her head at him as if he were a two year old child who was having trouble understanding why he couldn\u2019t have ice cream at 9 a.m.<\/p>\n
He felt like she\u2019d slapped him, his barely acknowledged feelings squashed into nothing. \u201cYou\u2019re right, it couldn\u2019t be any more than that.\u201d His lips were stiff as he said it, wanting it to be a lie.<\/p>\n
Now she felt like she\u2019d been slapped. She could reject him, but she sure as hell wasn\u2019t going to stand around and let him reject her.<\/p>\n
\u201cWhy not?\u201d she asked. \u201cWhat\u2019s wrong with me<\/i>?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cHuh?\u201d he said, confused. One minute she\u2019s saying they can\u2019t be more than friends, the next, she wants to know why he thinks so, too. \u201cDidn\u2019t you just say there couldn\u2019t be anything between us?\u201d He didn\u2019t want to answer her question.<\/p>\n
\u201cWell, duh!\u201d she said, frustrated. \u201cWeren\u2019t you listening? I just want to know why you think it wouldn\u2019t work with us. Do you actually think I\u2019m not good enough for you?\u201d Her incredulity was obvious.<\/p>\n
\u201cJust forget it, Cordelia,\u201d he said angrily. \u201cI don\u2019t want to go into this now.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYou think I\u2019m not good enough for you, and you want me to just forget about it?\u201d she asked. She marched up to him and poked her finger into his chest, much like she had weeks before when they were fighting over the remote control.<\/p>\n
\u201cPlease! you\u2019re going to tell me what, in your twisted mind, you think is wrong with me, and you\u2019re going to tell me now. Even if I wanted you, which I DON\u2019T,\u201d she insisted, her chin in the air, \u201cI deserve to know.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cCordy\u2014\u201c Angel pled, suddenly overwhelmed. \u201cI said. Not. Now!\u201d This conversation had gotten so out of control!<\/p>\n
\u201cYes, now, damn it! What the hell kind of problem do you have with me?\u201d<\/p>\n
As she stood there in front of him, her eyes flashing, her chest heaving indignation, the lust he felt for her hit him in full force. His demon went wild, the scent and taste of her angry arousal in front of him consuming him as if he\u2019d been thrown into a bonfire made entirely of her. His body reacted, hardening, his eyes dilated, his teeth clenched. He struggled for control, struggled to keep his demon leashed, tightly locked within.<\/p>\n
Cordelia\u2019s eyes grew wide as she watched the anger play on his face, his irises rimming with gold as he fought his demon and his volatile emotions. She was struck in that moment by just how beautiful he really was in all of his glory, in the full fledged onslaught of his demon. It didn\u2019t matter that his face hadn\u2019t changed. It didn\u2019t matter that he still looked just as human as he had five minutes before. Because she knew, without a doubt, that it this moment, she was looking into the eyes of the whole Angel, the demon, the man and the soul, all vying for supremacy in this one perfect body.<\/p>\n
In that moment, her own body recognized its mate in his, and she was overcome. Her body pulsed with his nearness, a drumbeat of desire that only intensified as the silence thickened around them. And in her own indignation over her loss of control, her anger at him grew. It grew so quickly, so intensely, that soon it consumed everything until her own eyes were dilated in both passion and anger.<\/p>\n
Angel finally reined in his demon and spoke, his teeth clenched as he tried to remember the thread of their conversation. How did they get from Buffy to each other? He was so confused.<\/p>\n
\u201cI don\u2019t know how the hell we got onto this stupid topic, but I will not stand here and let you tell me what to do, Cordy. It doesn\u2019t come down to there being something wrong with you, or something wrong with me. The fact is, we wouldn\u2019t work, and that\u2019s it. We just wouldn\u2019t.\u201d<\/p>\n
She felt like she\u2019d been doused with cold water, his rejection stinging her like a whip\u2019s cruel lash. \u201cWe just wouldn\u2019t? What kind of lame ass reason is that, Angel?\u201d<\/p>\n
He shrugged, that one gesture dismissing her completely. \u201cFace it, Cordy. We could screw our brains out and probably like it, but we aren\u2019t meant to be together. We just aren\u2019t. We can\u2019t. We won\u2019t. We never will be.\u201d<\/p>\n
He said it to mock fate. He said it to convince her. But most importantly, he said it to convince himself.<\/p>\n
But Fate, Cordelia, and every part of his splintered personality knew that his answer was shit. It was further from the truth than any lie ever could be. But he wasn\u2019t ready to acknowledge it. He could acknowledge that he wanted to sleep with her, wanted to take pleasure from her body, wanted to sink himself inside her until he forgot his own name, but he wouldn\u2019t acknowledge that he needed her more than he already had. He couldn\u2019t.<\/p>\n
And neither could she. Not yet. There were too many obstacles to overcome in her own mind. There were too many signals to sort through, too many messages to work out. Her brain was telling her one thing, her body something else, and her heart something even different. She couldn\u2019t figure out which way was up, and she felt like she\u2019d drown if she didn\u2019t escape soon.<\/p>\n
But one thing did stand out at her. One reason to blame for his reluctance to be with her, which shouldn\u2019t be so important to her in the first place, damn it!<\/p>\n
\u201cWe never will be, huh? Because of Buffy. Because you can\u2019t let go of her. Because you brood until you\u2019re a shell of yourself and pine for a love that can never happen, and you say that I have problems?\u201d<\/p>\n
He didn\u2019t even bother to correct her because he\u2019d be there until next year if he did.<\/p>\n
She shook her head. \u201cFine, Angel. Whatever,\u201d she said, standing back and glaring at him. \u201cLike I said, there\u2019s no way I\u2019d ever want to be with you, anyway, so what\u2019s the point of talking about it? It\u2019s not even a hypothetical.\u201d<\/p>\n
They stared at each other for a moment, so much said, yet so much left unsaid. They\u2019d both said all the wrong things tonight, and it was too late to take any of them back. She finally broke the stare, walked over to her pile of clothes and gathered them in front of her like a shield.<\/p>\n
\u201cI\u2019ll be here tomorrow at 4 p.m. to go to the session,\u201d she said, then looked at him one last time with an unreadable expression as she walked out of the door.<\/p>\n
He sank down onto the edge of the bed and stared at the door, feeling like she\u2019d just walked out of his life. Quickly, before it could consume him, he tamped down the feeling and latched back on to his anger.<\/p>\n
Lately, Cordelia made him so, so angry. Why she did was still a mystery. All of the animosity they\u2019d had toward each other in the past couple of months, before Dr. Van Buren and her touchy feely homework, had turned from petty disagreements in to hurtful, mud-slinging shouting matches.<\/p>\n
How had they ever let themselves get to this point?<\/p>\n
He knew the answer was out there somewhere, but it had decided to hide from him. And tomorrow, with Dr. Van Buren, the hits were sure to just keep on coming.<\/p>\n