Title: Monkeys and Gravy
Author: Sunscorched
Posted: 03/03
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Rating: PG-13
Category: Humour
Content: C/Aus
Summary: Read and you shall see!
Spoilers: S02
Disclaimer: The characters in the Angelverse were created by Joss Whedon & David Greenwalt. No infringement is intended, no profit is made.
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“I can’t wait to get to Ben and Jerry’s tonight” Cordelia whispered to Buffy in the library, “I so need ice cream” she confessed.
Angelus sauntered down the street; a lazy grin crept across his face as he thought about his latest victim. She had been a freshman at Sunnydale High, so young, so trusting and she had been mortally terrified when he explained ‘exactly’ what he was going to do too her. His lazy grin turned into a full-blown smile when he saw Cordelia Chase hurrying down the street towards a shop.
“Maybe my eyes are bigger than my stomach, but I could use a desert after such a nice meal” Angelus said to himself as he turned in her direction. He followed her at a distance that he wouldn’t be noticed.
The vampire discreetly entered the shop Cordelia had dashed into, he stood hidden in a corner that gave him a clear view of her. Angelus felt a pleasurable shudder go through him as he thought up many nice things he could do with and too her. He watched as a girl approached Cordelia and listened.
“Hi again” the waitress greeted Cordelia with a beaming smile; this girl was one of their best customers. She came in every other night and had the strangest combinations known to mankind. “What’s it going to be today?” she asked Cordelia for her order.
Cordelia gave the waitress an impish smile, “Hi Steph” she greeted in return, “Ok, I’ll have two scoops of Wavy Gravy” she began.
Angelus’ face scrunched up when Cordelia began to order some kind of gravy, he continued to listen.
“Mix that with two scoops of Phish Food” Cordelia continued her order, unaware of the vampire standing relatively close to her and listening to her every word.
‘Fish food?’ Angelus asked himself, ‘who the hell mixes gravy with fish food? More to the point, what is she doing eating fish food in the first place?’ His pleasurable shudder changed to one that held a yuck factor.
“Oh, and add two scoops of Chunky Monkey to go with that, please” Cordelia finished her order with a satisfied sigh and dreamy eyes at the thought of the delicious combination. Mmm, her favourite flavors all in one dish, yum!
‘Monkey chunks? Fish food? Gravy?’ Angelus thought in revulsion, ‘and people think drinking blood is disgusting’ he resisted the urge to go over and ask her what she was doing. What kind of demon was this girl? She was eating chunks of monkey and fish food in a gravy sauce by the sounds of things. Angelus shuddered again and began to rethink his plan of drinking her blood.
He had images in his brain of fur-lined monkey parts dripping in gravy with the fish food as the crunchy topping. Angelus was sure if he saw his reflection, he would be green. Never in his unlife had he been so against draining somebody. Then again, never in his unlife had he heard of a human eating ‘that’.
Angelus watched as the waitress brought Cordelia her order with the disgusting contents. He watched as she took a few spoonfuls, frown at said contents and have a few more spoonfuls.
Cordelia waved to the waitress and the girl came straight over with a knowing smile, “Let me guess” the waitress said to her with a roll of her eyes. “A double covering of hot fudge sauce?” she asked.
Cordelia beamed at the waitress who knew her so well, “God yes” she breathed in delight, knowing she could really do with treating herself tonight. “If you could add some chocolate sauce, I would be so happy” she said with pleading eyes.
“Anything for our best customer, you do realize you come in here every other night, don’t you?” the waitress pointed out. Cordelia’s blush and sheepish smile gave the waitress her answer.
Angelus struggled not to lose his supper that had enjoyed only twenty minutes before. When he saw Cordelia summon the waitress, he had hoped she would say her food was horrible or something like that. But when she asked for hot fudge and then chocolate sauce, he blanched. “That’s it, I will ‘never’ eat Cordelia Chase. God only knows what her blood tastes like” Angelus whispered his vow. He walked over to where she was sitting, determined to find out why she was eating monkey parts and fish food.
Cordelia sat at her table, eating her ice cream happily when she saw Angelus sit down opposite her and stared. She choked on the chunk of chocolate she was chewing on as surprise caused her to gasp, “What kind of demon are you?” he asked bluntly.
“Whaff kaff off whaff aff I?” Cordelia asked with a mouthful of chocolate as she stared at the obviously horrified vampire across from her. She was too shocked and too busy trying not to choke on her ice cream to be scared.
“What?” Angelus asked, he didn’t understand what she replied because of the chunk of monkey she was probably chewing.
“What kind of what am I?” Cordelia repeated without her mouth filled with ice cream as she stared at him with wide eyes as fear crept in.
“What kind of demon are you?” Angelus repeated his question as he tried not to look at her licking some of that gravy from the corner of her mouth.
“I may hang out with the Demon Patrol Posse, but I am not, never have been nor ever will be, a demon” Cordelia replied as shock at his question began to override her fear.
“You’re lying, you have to be” Angelus told her, “No human would eat” he knew he had to say the words. “Monkeys and fish food” he told her as he visibly flinched saying the words.
“Monkeys?” Cordelia asked, open-mouthed as the vampire sat opposite her asking why she was eating monkeys and fish food.
“I heard you. You asked for monkey chunks and fish food. Why would you eat fish food? And why would you mix gravy with chocolate and hot fudge sauce?” he asked accusingly.
Cordelia just stared at the vampire who really didn’t know she was eating ice cream and thought she was eating monkeys with gravy and fish food. It was almost surreal that she was having this conversation with Angelus. She almost felt sorry for him, he looked honestly sick at what he thought she was eating.
“Angelus” she began but he butted in.
“No, no and no” Angelus interrupted, “You have to be some kind of demon” he insisted, “I want to know and I want to know now” he demanded.
Cordelia sighed, if he insisted she was some kind of demon, who was she to argue? “Ok, you got me” she replied after a moment, “But if you want to know, you have to keep it an absolute, die hard secret” she told him solemnly.
Angelus looked thoughtful for a moment before nodding, “I’ll keep your damn secret, just tell me what you are” he replied as he stared into her eyes.
“I’m a Bitchitis demon” Cordelia stared right back at the vampire. “Most cheerleaders are, we are a common breed and are mostly female” she carried on her fake explanation. “That’s why we can be so flexible and our main diet is a breed of monkey called Capuchin, though we can and do eat other things” Cordelia told him, “But monkey is easier to buy” she paused for a second.
“I just wish each one of these cafes prepared monkey chunks in the same way, you know?” Cordelia said as she carelessly munched on another chunk. “Some places can leave little bits of fur on the chunks and that’s a bitch to floss out let me tell ya” she picked up a chocolate chunk. Taking great delight in it’s delicious taste, Cordelia continued after swallowing. “Although, some places like Danny’s down the road cut the chunks into cute little shapes and that really makes me smile, brightens my day” Cordelia didn’t miss the look of disgust that crossed Angelus’ face when she gave a little moan of pleasure.
Cordelia laughed as she thought of something else she could add, “I remember this one time after cheerleading practice, Buffy and I” she began.
“Buffy?” Angelus interrupted as he remembered she was an ex-cheerleader, and he had to stop himself from jamming a stake through his own heart there and then.
“Oh you wouldn’t know, would you?” Cordelia asked with a fake look of shock at the suitably horrified vampire. “Oh well, secret’s out now, may as well tell the rest of the story. Really, it’s quite funny” she told him with another mouthful of ice cream. “We were so tired from all that cheering we decided to grab something to eat when we saw this cute, little mole that just crawled right up out of the ground. It looked so delicious covered in all that dirt that we just ‘had’ to have it. Buffy suggested we should find some worms to go with it, because mole by itself is just, well, boring right?” she finished her sentence with a nod.
Angelus didn’t want to think anymore, he really didn’t want to hear the rest of this at all. He had slept with a Bitchitis demon that ate monkeys and moles with worms like they were a side of order of french fries. Horror didn’t describe what he felt.
“So there Buffy was, trying to find some worms when she had this great idea that we could find a ‘ton’ of delicious, slimey worms at the graveyard” Cordelia continued to tell Angelus. “So off we went, I was holding this soil covered, struggling mole while Buffy hunted for worms, you would’ve laughed if you had seen us. We were laughing so hard, it was so funny, honestly” she chuckled again.
Cordelia blinked at Angelus who was not finding it funny in the slightest, she held up her almost empty ice cream dish to him. “Want to try it? It’s really nice and there’s no fur on the monkey chunks and the fish food here is superb and not too gritty” she offered.
Angelus visibly blanched, “I’d rather not” he declined in serious disgust, “I’ve got to go now. Thanks for the offer. Bye” he got off his chair and all but ran from her and the monkey chunks. As of that moment, Angelus swore to himself never to eat another cheerleader again, or Bitchitis demon as he just found out.
He was sitting at the mansion having just told Spike about Cordelia eating the monkey chunks in gravy with fish food topping. The blonde vampire was staring at him with an unreadable expression through his lengthy story about his ‘discovery’.
Spike exploded with laughter at his grandisre’s gullibility and the fact that he actually bought the girl’s blatant lie. He could’ve hugged the cheerleader for this, in fact he might just go and find her and do exactly that. There was no way he was going through with his plan to kill her now, she was a riot and made Angelus look like an idiot. The cheerleader was more than ok in his world.
Angelus scowled at Spike and wondered why he was being laughed at, “Why are you laughing at me?” he asked in confusion. “If I hadn’t found out her little secret, you could’ve been drinking the Slayer’s blood. And if Cordelia eats chunks of monkey in gravy, then who knows what the Slayer eats” he pointed out. “You could’ve had bits of monkey with remainders of moles and worms in your veins if I hadn’t found you and stopped your Slayer campaign” Angelus told Spike.
Spike tried to get up off the floor but he failed so he tried crawling to the door but collapsed onto his stomach. “You” he laughed “Idiot” he laughed harder, “You bloody idiot” Spike couldn’t speak anymore.
Spike had never laughed so hard in all his years, every time he stopped he would look at Angelus and start again. The poof had actually accused the girl of being a demon and she had given him exactly what he had asked for. He really wished he had been there, he really did.
By now, Angelus had sat and listened to Spike laugh at him for the last hour and he showed no signs of stopping. When he did, he’d look at him and start all over again. “If you don’t tell me what the hell you’re laughing at, I vow you’ll wish I drummed a stake through your heart, boy” Angelus threatened, he was really ticked off.
Spike knew he had to tell his grandsire that he had fallen hook, line and sinker for Cordelia’s lie. He composed himself and shed light on what Angelus had so easily fallen for. He then sat back and waited for the reaction he was expecting. He didn’t get it.
“She lied to me?” Angelus stated quietly, then he started to laugh himself. “She humiliated me and I find it funny” he chuckled some more before getting up from his seat.
“Where you going, mate?” Spike asked when Angelus went for the door.
“Cordelia would make an excellent pet, don’t you think?” Angelus replied with an evil smile as he left the mansion, his intent clear in his mind. He wouldn’t torture her, he didn’t want another Drusilla, Angelus wanted her just the way she was. It may take a while to win her over, but he knew exactly what to do.
End.
