Part 79
“No thank you, Dennis,” Cordelia brushed the back of her hand against her tears.
The glass and blanket floated, bobbing once more in the air, trying to change the young woman’s mind. Cordelia shook her head. The throw folded up neatly beside her as the glass settled on the coffee table with in arms reach of the sofa.
Cordelia sniffled as the air vibrated around her, showing the concern of Phantom Dennis. “I should’ve known, you know.” Cordelia hugged her knees rubbing her face in the cradle of her body. “You are the only dead person that I can trust,” She gazed red-eyed into the room.
The tempo of the vibrations slowed, asking a silent question.
“Angel. He said he loved me. So, where is he? With Buffy. She came back from the dead. Cool, uh. The Darla blonde experience should’ve clued me in- Blonde girlfriends of Angel just don’t stay dead.” Cordy gave a bitter laugh. “Good thing, he never actually dated Gabriel, uh.”
The vibrations sped, swirling, still questioning.
“No. I’m not upset that Buffy’s alive. It’s a good thing, it just that Angel made me believe that it was me who he really loved not her, not anymore. But that was a lie. I should’ve known better than to trust him so much. He kicked me out of the hotel.”
The static in the air sparked expressing no longer questions but ghostly anger.
“Yeah, I was mad at first too, I wish I could stay mad, it’s easier than feeling my heart being ripped out piece by piece. I love him so much. God. It’s hurts.” Cordelia sobbed against her knees.
The blanket floated up around Cordelia’s slumped body, Dennis hugging the young woman in the only way he knew. The vibrations became soothing breezes embracing Cordelia.
Cordelia willed her mind to go blank, to drive out the imagines of Buffy and Angel. But, it was hard. Close her eyes, and all she could see was the vampire’s dark intense gaze filled with love and desire that only this morning were hers and hers alone, now directed towards bright blue ones.
The Romeo and Juliet of the supernatural. Only now there was no curse to keep them apart, tragic star crossed lovers- nope not anymore. Cordelia felt nauseous knowing that Buffy and Angel weren’t just gazing at each other but touching each other, rediscovering each other’s bodies, making love.
I knew I loved you when the sadness and pain of Buffy’s death was tempered with the knowledge that I had saved you- that I could move on because of you- that I wanted to-that you were who I thought about when I thought of home.
If she was alive, I would still love her, but I wouldn’t need her like I need you, love her like I love you, you have become my life, my hope, my future, you are my best friend, not Buffy.
Cordy, this isn’t a rebound love or a comfort love, this…what I feel for you is real and all encompassing, I want…need you in my life always. And now, for us always can be a very long time and I want you there beside me, guiding me, loving me, giving me hope. Forever, Cordy, if you want.
Well, Cordelia had wanted the forever Angel had promised and at that moment she hated Angel for taking it away, leaving her to be alone.
Part 80
“Buffy…?” Angel started to ask as Buffy dragged him behind the diner into a small alleyway. The rest of Angel’s question was cut off as he was thrown up against the wall.
Ow. What the fuck? Buffy was attacking him. He reacted with a shove only to be slammed once more against the side of the diner.
His What the Fuck , became more than confusion but panic as Angel felt Buffy crawl up his body, seizing his lips, her arms pinning him against the wall with a slayer’s strength.
Angel jerked his hands to her shoulders trying to push her away. Buffy was attacking and kissing him. What the Fuck? Angel was definitely having a surreal moment. He pushed again. “Buffy?”
“Shut up, Angel, just kiss me.”
Okay, Angel had enough- Cordelia was the only one that could get away with pushing him around and ordering kisses. He shoved again, this time not holding back.
Angel regained his balance standing away from the wall. He didn’t want to hit Buffy but she just better stay on her side of the small alley. And she better not have had broken his phone. Angel’s hand went to his pocket, relieved that it seemed in one piece.
“Angel,” Buffy moved again.
Angel held his hands out, backing up as he studied the blonde, her breath was panting, her eyes blinking with a purpose and need. “Buffy, what’s going on.”
“I want you to kiss me, Angel.”
“That wasn’t a kiss that was a mauling.” Angel tried to understand but he was completely lost. Now Buffy’s blue eyes were blinking with tears, as she started to come closer, gently touching his out stretched hand.
Angel tensed ready to push Buffy away again. But, the slayer just continued to move slowly, bringing his hand up to her face, rubbing her cheek into in his palm, tasting it with her lips.
“Kiss me,” she begged softly, taking advantage of Angel’s stillness, to slip her body between his arms leaning pulling his head down with her free hand, gently taking his lips to her.
Angel relaxed slightly, the kiss was more reminiscent of the ones they shared when they were in love. The memories flowed through his body as Buffy’s soft lips teased at his, darting her tongue against his mouth, trying to find an opening.
Angel softly pulled away. There were so many things wrong with allowing himself to be swept up by the past, the greatest being his love for Cordelia. He could never lie his way out of her hurt and anger. But there was also the lack of any sane reason for Buffy’s advances. “Buffy, don’t. I can’t.”
“Oh god.” Buffy jerked back. “Your soul, I’m sorry. I…”
Angel didn’t correct her. That would work until Angel figured out what the hell was going on with the young woman.
“Buffy, what just happened?” Angel gently wiped at the tears trailing down her cheeks.
Buffy shoulder’s slumped. God. She had been about to use Angel just to feel something other than the loneliness. Guilt overwhelmed her small frame. She hadn’t even thought about his soul. “I’m sorry.”
“It’s okay, but talk to me.” Angel drew her into hug, seating them both on an old abandoned crate.
“I need…I can’t feel anything Angel, I haven’t been able to since they brought me back. I just wanted…to feel something. I’m so lost.”
Angel tucked the young woman under his arm. Willow had said that she had done a spell to bring Buffy back from a hell dimension. Angel sighed. He should’ve realized, having experienced his own trips to hell, literally and figuratively, if he counted his self-imposed isolation when he first came to LA and his later hell when he cut himself off from Cordy and his friends.
“Buffy, it’s…it’s going to be hard, to move on past the experiences of being trapped in a hell dimension. But, you’re strong enough to do it and you will feel again. You just can’t let yourself get closed off from your family and friends. You need them. Let them help you, and day by day, moment by moment, you’ll find that you can feel again, believe that you’re home, that you can live.”
“Angel…” it was on the tip of Buffy’s tongue to tell him the truth, wanting to trust his concerned caring gaze.
“No, Buffy, believe me. I do know something about being in hell and being able to move on. I was able to do it by letting my friends help me. Well, actually,” he gave a small chuckle. “Cordy, just pushed her way in. But, with them, especially Cordelia, I found myself living and able to love again.”
Buffy’s truth froze on her lips as she realized Angel’s. “You fell in love with Cordelia?”
At Angel’s nod, Buffy did feel something, something real- jealously.
She jumped up. “You are in love with Cordelia Chase?”
Angel took a deep breath. He had planned on telling her, it would’ve been pretty obvious when Cordelia was with him. But now that Cordy wasn’t and he had seen Buffy, he wasn’t so sure this was the best time, but Buffy had asked and he wasn’t going to lie. “We are in love with each other.”
Buffy’s eyes widened, her stomach churning. “What happened to being there for ME whenever I need you, for as long as I want,” recalling their conversation at her mother’s graveside. “Were you lying, did you love her then.”
“I meant it, I still do. I will always be there for you.” Angel said softly at her loud shout. “I just won’t leave Cordy. I love her…and need her.” Angel admitted gently, surprisingly glad that he had told Buffy no matter what Buffy’s reaction.
“You left me.” Buffy snorted bitterly.
“I had to.” Angel tried to remain balanced against the young woman’s flaring emotions.
“Because we couldn’t be together because of your soul.”
“That was a reason, but there was more also. I couldn’t give you the normal life you wanted.” Angel stated.
“And you can give that to Cordelia Chase. Miss Materialistic.” Buffy scoffed.
Angel frowned, some of his founded balance giving way. “I can give Cordy the life she wants, its not the one she deserves, but it is the one she wants.”
“Oh, Cordelia Chase, the Queen C, wants to fight demons and be frustrated, settling for hand holding and stealing chaste kisses, not likely,” Buffy retorted.
“Cordy,” Angel emphasized, “ believes in our mission and…” Angel sighed, saying the next truth. “My soul is bound.”
Buffy stared, not believing what she just heard. “What?”
“Buffy, I love Cordelia, we are together. Life does move forward. You will see that again day by day. You will.” Angel insisted, urging Buffy to see what he was trying to say, not just react about he and Cordy.
“Go home, Angel.” Buffy said coldly. “You can’t help with this.”
“I want to.”
“Well, you can’t.” Buffy said bitterly.
“Buffy, forcing yourself to feel something by throwing me against the wall, wasn’t going to help. Fucking blindly in a alley or recapturing a love affair that has played itself out, isn’t the way to learn to feel again.” Angel said forcibly. “You need your friends, not acts of desperation.”
“You know this because you know me so well.” Buffy narrowed her eyes.
“No. But, I do know that desperate acts and closing out your friends isn’t living. It’s stagnating and destructive to you and them. Don’t make the mistake that I made. Let your family help.”
“And if it was ‘your’ family that caused it the first place, then what.” Buffy shot back.
“Buffy?” Angel wasn’t sure what the young woman was talking about. Her family saved her.
“Nevermind.” Buffy shook her head.
“Buffy?”
“No, just leave.”
Angel stood, sad in the realization that he had done nothing to help and possibly made it worse for the young woman.
Angel tried one last time. “Buffy, what ever they did, they do love you. Remember that and you will be able to forgive them.”
Buffy closed her eyes feeling nothing but the coldness of the hell she was brought back to. “Good bye, Angel.”
Part 81 Angel gratefully opened the door to the lobby. He was glad to be home. Well, he had been right. Buffy hadn’t been alright and he definitely saw that for himself. Angel just hadn’t been able to help her.
He glanced around hoping to see Cordelia waiting up for him. He frowned as all he saw were Wesley, Gunn, and Fred talking quietly, tension rolling off them in waves. He searched the hotel. “Where’s Cordy.” He sharply broke the soft mutterings of his friends causing them all to jump.
“Oh, good, yes, Angel, you’re home.” Wesley stood.
“Where’s Cordy?” Angel repeated. Not liking the déjà vu he was suddenly feeling. He half expected Fred to blurt out that Cordy was dead again and alive with MacLeod.
“Yes, well, Angel, we need to talk.” Wesley nodded to his office.
No fucking way. This scene was not being played out again. “Where’s Cordy.” Angel growled.
Wesley sighed. Damn the stubborn vampire. “She’s at her apartment.” He finally answered.
A slight bit of tension left Angel that wasn’t so bad. He turned for the door. Cordy could tell him why she was there at 3 a.m. and not in his bed upstairs.
“Angel, sit down, we need to talk.”
“Later.”
“Angel, we need to talk before you see Cordelia.”
Angel froze at the serious urgency of Wesley’s tone. Angel studied Fred and Gunn. Fred was nodding vigorously. Gunn just kept shaking his head, rolling his eyes and muttering something about Angel not knowing shit about women.
Angel slowly returned to the sofa, confused by his friends’ reactions. “You said Cordy’s test were fine.”
Wesley nodded. “Cordy is physically fine.”
“Then….” Angel stopped and stared at Gunn. The black man mumbled again that Angel didn’t know shit about women.
“Angel, please sit.”
“Not until you tell me what’s going on. Spit it out.”
“Cordy moved out, she thinks you dumped her and went to be with your old blonde girlfriend, the Buffy one, not the Darla one.” Fred burst out.
“Man, you don’t know shit about women,” Gunn said loudly, taking Fred’s statement as a welcome for his own.
Angel didn’t just sit. He flopped to the sofa. “Uh?”
“Will you two please be quiet and let me talk to Angel.” Wesley adjusted his glasses.
“Get on with it, man.”
Fred nodded her head with Gunn’s in agreement. “You need to hurry, Cordy’s still mad, she hung up on me.”
“Fred, she told us not to call her and you called her ten times.”
“I had to, I had to make sure that she wasn’t at the airport flying off to Duncan. I think she pulled the phone out because I’ve only been able to get a busy signal for the last couple of hours. That’s why you better hurry and tell Angel….”
“That he’s a dumbass.” Gunn interrupted.
Fred shrugged a little. “Well, you just need to hurry, so Angel can fix it. I can’t tell if she’s still in her apartment and not flying off to Duncan.” Fred anxiously continued.
“Fred, Cordy is not going to Paris to be with Duncan.” Wesley rubbed his temples.
“How do you know? She was really mad.”
“I have her passport.” Wesley waved the document in front of the brunette.
“Left it behind when she cleared out her stuff because the vamp’s a dumbass.” Gunn added.
“Why didn’t you tell me?” Fred rolled her eyes. If she had known she wouldn’t have had to worry so much less.
“ALL OF YOU SHUT UP.” Angel shouted.
“Now,” he demanded in the silence. “What are you all talking about? What could’ve made Cordy think I was leaving her for Buffy…And, DON’T CALL ME A DUMBASS AGAIN,” he growled at the start of Gunn’s interruption.
“Well you are,” Gunn mumbled.
“I heard that. Shut up. Wesley, talk to me.”
Wesley took a deep breath. “Angel, Cordelia believes that you left her for Buffy.”
“I get that part, but the WHY is the part I’m having trouble with.”
“Because you didn’t tell her otherwise.”
“Don’t know shit about women.” Gunn shook his head.
“You really should’ve have reassured her, she’s upset, but it will okay once you tell her.” Fred nodded.
“Cordy doesn’t need reassurance, what are you all talking about.”
“Yes, Angel, she did and does.” Wesley rubbed his temple again.
“Cordelia knows that I love her. She knows why I had to see Buffy.” Angel protested.
“No, she doesn’t, Angel.”
“Of course she does.”
“No, she doesn’t.” Wesley started to annunciate his words very slow and carefully for the benefit of the vampire.
Angel glared at the watcher.
“Sorry,” Wesley coughed, “Angel, all Cordy knows is that you and Buffy had a mythic love that ended not because you fell out love with each other, but because of circumstances, that you’ve obsessed about that love for years, that you had to leave to grieve for three months when you thought Buffy died, that your soul became bound after that, that is when you told Cordy that you loved her, and yet as soon as you heard that Buffy was alive you left….”
“Don’t forget the part where he kept saying, I want to see her, I have to see her, I have to, like a damn broken record.” Gunn shot in.
“There was that part too. Angel, you left Cordy without telling her why or even that you expected Cordy to go with you. You just left Cordy angry, hurt and scared.”
Angel shook his head. “Cordy knows that I love her, I told her that Buffy was in the past. She knows that.”
“She knew that when Buffy was dead, really in the past. She doesn’t know it now. You didn’t tell her, you just left.” Wesley said gently.
Angel shook his head refusing to believe that Cordy could’ve doubted his love. He had explained it to her. He had told her that his love was real, not something which sprang up as a rebound love. Angel looked back at his friends.
They were so sure about what they were saying.
…. Go, Angel, see that she’s alive, then…then just…what…just know that the love of your life is alive…go…you got your soul grieving her, maybe this was why. Go.
YOU PROMISED TO LOVE ME, YOU BASTARD
Fuck. Angel got to his feet shaking his head.
“Angel.” Wesley was running out of ideas on how to make the make the vampire understand, maybe he should show him the chart Fred made up.
Angel held up his hand. “I got it.” He strode to the door.